We’ve all heard that cousins are like our first friends. While that rings true for some, it certainly doesn’t apply to everyone—and it definitely doesn’t apply to me.
For a long time, I envied my friends who shared close bonds with their extended families. I would scroll through social media, seeing their joyful family gatherings and holiday celebrations, and wished for such connections. However, I soon realized that this portrayal was largely romanticized, and I only desired it because it was absent in my life. In fact, I can almost guarantee that if my family were that close, I’d find it suffocating.
As much as I occasionally wish for a relationship with my extended family, I’ve come to understand that I don’t truly want one. I’ve learned that the reality of family dynamics is often far from the happy portrayals we see on television. Even when observing my friends’ seemingly close connections with their cousins, I recognize that there’s much more beneath the surface that goes unshared.
Every family has its cliques and unspoken alliances. Drama is inevitable, and I prefer to steer clear of it altogether. On my father’s side, I have many first cousins, but due to the age gap—my father had me later in life—I often feel like the odd one out. My older half-siblings grew up alongside my cousins, forming bonds that I didn’t share. While some of my cousins have children closer to my age, the family dynamics have shifted as they enter their late 40s and 50s. Recently, one of my older cousins initiated a group chat, which one of my sisters added me to. Group chats are my personal nightmare, so I promptly muted it. They’re planning a family reunion, but while I appreciate the thought, I’m not interested in participating.
You can’t force family connections just because of blood ties. Most of my extended family hasn’t made an effort to get to know me over the years. I’m 33, and it’s not like I’ve been hiding away. Growing up, I felt isolated—not only due to the age difference but also because my father and his siblings were not particularly close. As we all matured, especially with the rise of social media, they could have reached out. Yet, they seemed to know about my life while I remained largely unaware of theirs.
In the past six years, since the birth of my son, some cousins finally started reaching out, seemingly eager to claim familial ties. I briefly accepted their social media requests, but then recognized that having a child isn’t my sole contribution to the family narrative. Suddenly, relatives I had only heard about were wanting to video chat and engage in my life, which made me incredibly uncomfortable, so I set boundaries.
That’s the primary reason I’m ignoring the group chat. I understand that as we age, our priorities may shift, and for many, that includes a heightened focus on family. However, it’s unrealistic to expect everyone to feel the same way. Their newfound interest in my life feels more like an attempt to reconcile past choices rather than a genuine desire for connection. I refuse to be part of their midlife crises.
Does this make me sound unkind? Perhaps, but I can’t concern myself with that. Choosing not to engage with my extended family is my prerogative. We aren’t obligated to share our lives just because we share blood. This narrative that family must come first needs to change.
Family can be defined in many ways. For me, family consists of those whom I choose to let into my life—blood relations don’t have a monopoly on that definition. With all the dysfunction in both sides of my family, I’ve opted for distance. I embrace the notion of found family, which allows me to curate my support system. My closest friends are my family; they are my son’s aunts and uncles, and their children are his cousins. They offer the love and support that my biological family has never provided.
As I mature, I recognize that having extended family is not a given, and that’s perfectly okay! The most important lesson I’ve learned is that there’s no need to feel guilty for not pursuing a relationship with extended family. Blood ties do not automatically grant someone access to your life.
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In summary, I have come to terms with my lack of interest in connecting with my extended family. While the idea of family is often glorified, the reality can be complicated. I choose to define my family based on love, support, and mutual respect rather than blood ties alone.
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