As a parent of three children, each with unique developmental needs, I have spent over 15 years working with children, particularly those who are neurodiverse. Throughout this journey, I’ve gained insights into effective communication strategies that can significantly improve interactions with children.
While out in public, I frequently overhear parents using phrases such as:
- “Don’t touch that.”
- “Stop.”
- “Quit.”
- “Don’t do that!”
In these moments, I often find myself questioning: “Don’t touch what? Stop what? Quit what?” This ambiguity can be particularly confusing for young children.
Unlike adults, who can easily grasp opposites—up is down, in is out, hot is cold—children, especially those with neurodiverse conditions, may struggle with this concept. For instance, when a caregiver says, “Don’t stand up,” an adult might immediately understand that they should remain seated. However, for young children, this requires several cognitive steps: (a) recognizing they are not complying, (b) identifying the action they should avoid, and (c) determining the appropriate alternative. This kind of problem-solving can be overwhelming, especially if their behavior is not clearly defined.
Take the instruction “Stop that!”—without context, a child may be unsure whether to cease eating, stop twirling their hair, or halt humming. The lack of specificity can lead to frustration and confusion.
A more effective approach is to communicate explicitly what you want your child to do rather than what you want them to stop doing. Here are a few practical examples:
- When my child begins to hit, I say, “Use gentle hands, please.”
- If my child is yelling indoors, I remind them, “We need to use inside voices, or you can go outside to yell.”
- When I see my oldest preparing to leap onto my middle child, I say, “Let’s make good choices.”
By clearly outlining expectations, children can easily understand what is required of them, eliminating guesswork. Additionally, this approach fosters a more neutral and positive atmosphere, which reduces the likelihood of triggering a fight-or-flight response. When that happens, their ability to problem-solve diminishes significantly.
The takeaway here is straightforward: instead of vaguely instructing your child to stop undesirable behavior, clearly state what you would like them to do. A helpful tip is to use a declarative tone rather than phrasing your request as a question. For instance, instead of asking, “Can you use gentle hands, please?” opt for a definitive statement like, “Use gentle hands, please.” This way, you eliminate the possibility of them responding with a “No,” which can lead to further frustration for both of you.
By changing the way we communicate our requests, we can provide clarity for all children, regardless of neurodiversity. It may seem like a small adjustment, but such a shift can profoundly impact interactions. For more insights on related topics, you can check out this informative article on effective parenting strategies.
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Summary:
Communicating effectively with children, especially those who are neurodiverse, requires clarity and specificity. Instead of instructing them to stop certain behaviors, parents should articulate what desired actions to take. This approach not only helps children understand expectations better but also fosters a positive environment that encourages compliance and understanding.
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