As a parent, I often find myself facing challenges that come with raising children of various ages. With four kids ranging from toddlers to tweens, my instinct is to address problems swiftly and decisively. This approach serves me well in many aspects of life. However, when it comes to my older children, I’ve had to rethink my strategy.
My tendency to step in and take control can sometimes backfire. I frequently forget that my tweens are growing up and are capable of making their own decisions. There have been times when I’ve seen disappointment in their eyes—especially when I overstep my bounds in situations where they need to learn to navigate on their own.
Recently, a conversation I had with a fellow parent shifted my perspective. This mom, who has two adult children, shared the complexities of parenting teens and young adults. She highlighted the importance of communication, especially as her children face significant life choices regarding their education, careers, and relationships.
She noted how easy it is to want to provide solutions, especially when the answers seem clear to her. Yet, she refrains from doing so impulsively. Instead, she asks her children a crucial question before they delve into their dilemmas: “Would you like me to just listen, or do you want my advice too?” More often than not, they prefer her to listen. However, they usually end up seeking her input after sharing their concerns. This approach allows them to feel empowered while also valuing her wisdom.
This strategy makes sense. Many of us dislike unsolicited advice, whether it comes from friends, family, or even strangers. From parenting styles to technology rules, we often face unqualified opinions that can feel intrusive. Personally, I’ve encountered offensive suggestions regarding my child with special needs, which only add to the stress. But when someone we trust offers a listening ear, it creates a space for open dialogue free of judgment.
Encouraging my children, particularly my tween daughters, to solve their own problems is essential. I aim to help them develop the skills they need to become responsible, independent adults. I refuse to be the overbearing “bulldozer mom” who clears obstacles for them, nor do I want to be the “cool mom” trying too hard to fit into their lives as a friend.
Recently, my eldest faced a situation at school regarding a library book she was accused of not returning, resulting in a fine. Instead of stepping in directly, I encouraged her to think about what she could do to resolve the issue. This approach empowered her to handle the situation without my interference. Ultimately, she discovered that the book had been returned—a lesson in problem-solving that boosted her confidence.
While communicating with tweens and teens can be challenging, offering to listen rather than dominate can be a powerful gift. By asking whether they need someone to listen or someone to provide advice, we create an environment of support and empowerment.
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In summary, fostering independence in our tweens and teens can lead to more meaningful conversations and growth. By allowing them to express themselves while providing a supportive framework, we can help them navigate the complexities of growing up.
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