Trigger warning: suicidal ideation, depression
I’ve always been hesitant about medication. If there’s a way to address an issue without it, I prefer to explore those alternatives first. Even for headaches, I often avoid over-the-counter pain relievers like Tylenol or Advil. For me, medication is a last resort.
However, two months ago, I reached that last resort in my battle with anxiety and depression. I made an appointment with my doctor and, for the first time, I voiced the words, “I constantly think about ending my life.” It was a necessary step. I felt an overwhelming burden lifting as I confided in someone who could truly help me.
My doctor didn’t dismiss my feelings or make me feel ashamed for struggling, despite recognizing the good in my life. She made direct eye contact, offering reassurance: “It’s okay to ask for help. You’re not crazy.” I desperately needed to hear that.
Despite the good in my life, I couldn’t understand why I felt this way for so long. Many people who contemplate suicide don’t actually want to end their lives; they simply wish for the pain to cease. They want relief from the suffocating grip of depression and anxiety that affects everything, including their loved ones. I was no different.
Many people recommended medication for my anxiety and depression over the years. I had tried it before—twice, in fact. The first time, about six years ago, I stopped after two weeks because it worsened my mental state. I had never been someone who relied on medication and assumed it just wasn’t for me. In retrospect, I might have needed more time for it to work.
The second experience, about three years ago, was different. That medication quickly erased my anxiety but left me feeling emotionally and physically numb. The numbness became more unbearable than the anxiety.
So, approaching this latest attempt, I felt apprehensive. I was warned that the first days might feel “off” and that it could take several weeks to notice any improvement. I scheduled a follow-up for four weeks later and started taking the medication that very day.
What I didn’t anticipate was that I wouldn’t feel better within the first week. Rather than just feeling “off,” I felt worse physically. The first five days were a struggle; I fought back tears while battling severe nausea and headaches that felt worse than a hangover. I was dizzy and couldn’t concentrate, even questioning whether I should be driving.
During those days, I spent a lot of time sleeping, often apologizing to my husband and children for my condition. I lost seven pounds in five days because eating felt impossible. I considered stopping the medication, but the desire to feel better—and to truly live rather than merely exist—kept me going. I’ve never adhered to a medication regimen with such dedication.
Once the first week passed, I started to feel somewhat better, but I was utterly drained. I was more fatigued than I had been during the sleepless nights of caring for newborns. No amount of sleep seemed to dispel the exhaustion.
This fatigue affected my daily activities, including cooking, cleaning, and spending quality time with my family, which only increased my stress. I felt defeated, as if I’d traded one set of problems for another. Yet, I knew that overcoming anxiety and depression was more important.
What I hadn’t realized was that taking the step to seek help would be one of the hardest things I’d ever do. Many assume that a simple pill will magically restore their energy, motivation, and peace of mind. I had hoped for that too, but the reality is more complex.
You might initially feel worse before you feel better. Gradually, you notice subtle improvements. You may catch yourself in a store, distracted from anxious thoughts, or find the courage to attend a family event that once felt impossible.
Eventually, you may go a week without thoughts of self-harm and realize how far you’ve come, even if it’s just a small step. During follow-up appointments, you might express doubts about the medication’s effectiveness, but you’ll begin to see the small changes that indicate progress. Anxiety and depression may always be part of your life, but they can become more manageable over time.
The key is to find a healthcare provider who listens to you, explore various methods of treatment—whether it’s counseling, medication, or exercise—and commit to the process. Even when it feels challenging, give it time, and lean on your support system. Remember, your life is worth it.
For more insights on navigating mental health challenges, check out this related article on home insemination or visit Make A Mom for expert advice. Furthermore, Healthline offers excellent resources on pregnancy and fertility.
In summary, my experience taught me that medication for anxiety and depression is not a magic solution but a journey of small steps that leads to meaningful change. The path may be filled with ups and downs, but persistence and support can guide you through.
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