I’ve reached a point in my life where I can honestly say I am the happiest I have ever been. This isn’t just a fleeting moment of joy after a recent triumph; it’s a profound, enduring happiness. Even on my toughest days, I carry a deep sense of peace regarding the most crucial aspects of my life.
What makes this happiness even more remarkable is that it emerged after a year filled with significant challenges. The beginning of the year felt like a relentless barrage of difficulties. I struggled to regain my footing, as life seemed to hit me unexpectedly time and time again. My health, my relationships with my children and family, and even my friendships felt like they were all drowning in a storm.
Then, quite suddenly, things began to shift. One by one, the areas of my life that had been suffering started to mend. Over several months, I watched in amazement as everything began to fall into place. What once seemed lost or hopeless was merely a stepping stone toward something greater. I was too consumed by my pain to notice how much I was evolving.
Life is far from perfect, and I know it never will be. Each day presents its own set of challenges, complete with tears and fears. But overall, I find myself in a good place, genuinely happy—happier than I can remember being in a long time.
My family, marriage, home life, and career have all found stability. For the first time in ages, I feel like everything I truly desire is either within my grasp or already mine. Looking at my life, I see peace and endless possibilities, with no immediate obstacles looming ahead.
So, why does this happiness fill me with dread? Why do I feel anxious about the potential for it all to crumble? I don’t want to feel this way, but an inner voice often tells me I shouldn’t become too attached to my happiness because I may not truly deserve it.
Recently, I realized I live in a state of constant apprehension, bracing myself for the inevitable moment when everything falls apart, and I return to a life I fear I deserve. This was a disheartening revelation. How could I perceive myself through such a bleak lens?
Despite dedicating my life to promoting self-love, particularly regarding body image, I discovered that my insecurities run deeper than I thought. I’ve worked hard to change the narrative I hold about myself, allowing me to see my body in a more positive light. Yet, I still struggle with feelings of worthlessness when it comes to my happiness.
I once believed that my body image issues were my main source of insecurity. However, it seems I still have a journey ahead in recognizing my value and worthiness of joy and fulfillment. A nagging voice questions whether I’m exceptional enough to deserve the peace I currently enjoy.
Yes, I am. I’ve come to understand that embracing my uniqueness isn’t a bad thing. Recognizing my own greatness doesn’t negate my humility. Yet, feeling anything beyond ordinary invites guilt, and I can’t quite grasp why that is.
Perhaps it’s a remnant of my upbringing, where modesty was paramount, especially for women. Or maybe my experiences in a larger body have ingrained deeper insecurities than I realized. It could also be that I’m simply struggling to accept my good fortune.
I haven’t fully unraveled these feelings yet. I can’t pinpoint why every positive aspect of my life sometimes seems like it should belong to someone else. But I am incredibly grateful for the life I have. My husband, my children, my family, my chaotic home, my career, and my friends—all of these treasures belong to me.
It’s perfectly okay not to understand why. I don’t want to lose sight of the fact that much of my happiness stems from both privilege and luck. Simultaneously, I want to acknowledge that I have put in the work for this life. My marriage is strong because we’ve nurtured it well. My children thrive because I’ve showered them with love and taught them kindness. The home I cherish is a result of my care and effort. My friendships flourish because I’ve been a good friend. My job is mine because I’ve proven to be dependable.
Some of my happiness is rightfully mine to claim. Voicing this reality won’t eliminate the anxiety that one day it could all come crashing down. However, I must strive to stop living as if everything is on the brink of collapse.
Sometimes, life is simply good, and even when I can’t see the reasons, I deserve to embrace it and enjoy it.
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Summary:
The journey towards happiness can often be tangled with fear and insecurity. Despite achieving a deep sense of joy in various aspects of life, feelings of unworthiness can linger. Understanding the roots of these emotions is vital for embracing happiness fully. Acknowledging personal achievements and claiming one’s happiness can pave the way for a more confident and fulfilling life.
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