When my children were young, I had an abundance of mom friends. Their names were like a familiar mantra: Lisa, Chloe, Jacqueline, and Mia, along with Sarah, Hannah, and Jessica. These were women I met in parenting classes and at local parks. We would gather for playdates and share countless conversations about our little ones—discussing milestones, sleep habits, and everything in between.
However, as the years passed, our children grew older. Some friends relocated, while others gradually faded from my life. Despite living in the same city, I found myself disconnected from those who once shared Thanksgiving meals with me and laughed over memorable parenting blunders. We hardly communicated anymore—no calls or texts to check in.
Anne Helena discusses this phenomenon in Motherwell Magazine, noting how her close mom friends have become acquaintances she sees only twice a year, even with one living just a couple of miles away. She expresses feeling replaced, not by another friend, but by an overwhelming list of tasks, and she longs for connections beyond the realm of motherhood. She craves friendships that transcend the shared experience of raising children.
Reflecting on those past friendships, I recognize their significance during a time when I desperately needed camaraderie. Yet, my circumstances have evolved; I now need a different kind of support. I’m less focused on navigating the challenges of parenting and more interested in nurturing my own identity. I seek friends who appreciate me as an individual, not merely as a mother.
There’s a crucial distinction to be made here. All of my mom friends shared a similar parenting philosophy, which was comforting at the time. However, as life progressed, I realized those aspects of our lives became less relevant. I can’t even recall their favorite music or TV shows anymore.
As seasons change, so do our needs for different types of friendships. In the early days of motherhood, I needed those mom friends. But that drift was perhaps inevitable as our children matured. Now, I have cultivated a different circle of friends—fewer in number and often male. These connections rarely revolve around my kids. Instead, they focus on building me up as a person, fulfilling my own needs rather than reassuring me about my parenting skills.
Consciously seeking out these friendships, I rekindled relationships with individuals I knew before motherhood. I found joy in spending time with friends, whether it was hanging out in a garage, getting a tattoo, or simply enjoying a cold drink while discussing topics that mattered to us—topics unrelated to parenting.
I have friends who are passionate about politics, a subject rarely touched upon in my previous mom circles. In those early days, I overlooked the absence of shared interests because I was focused on seeking advice about breastfeeding and sleep schedules. Now that those concerns have shifted, I am pursuing new types of conversations and connections.
Some of my closest friends I met online. These individuals understand my passions, whether it be my favorite shows or my writing endeavors. My best friends, who I talk to regularly, include an old high school buddy living hundreds of miles away and a witty, reclusive friend from Indiana. Our conversations rarely touch on my children, but they always check in on me, noticing when I’ve been absent from the world.
My old mom friends, on the other hand, don’t see me often enough to truly understand who I am anymore. Life’s changes necessitate different types of friendships. While the bond I shared with mom friends was invaluable during my early parenting days, the inevitable drift as our children grew has prompted me to seek deeper connections.
I value my non-mom friends greatly. Sure, I exchange pleasantries with other mothers at the playground and we discuss our kids, but they don’t define my life anymore. I am thankful for the friends who recognize me as an individual, not just as a mother.
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Summary
As friendships evolve, the need for connections that go beyond motherhood becomes essential. While mom friends served a purpose in the early days of parenting, as children grow, so too should our friendships. Seeking relationships that nurture one’s identity is crucial for personal growth.
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