The journey of my son’s adoption is not shrouded in secrecy — I even maintain a blog about our experiences. However, many details regarding his birth story remain private. I’m open to sharing our experiences with those genuinely interested in adoption, but often, questions stem from mere curiosity. In those moments, I try my best to respond gracefully, reminding others that my son’s birth narrative is his and his birth mother’s to tell, not mine. Or, after a glass of wine, I might simply reply, “What makes you ask?” This response prompts the questioner to reflect on their intentions.
Below are my candid, informal responses to some of the most common inquiries I receive.
How old was his mother?
I was 32 when my son, Ethan, was born.
Oh, you meant his birth mother? What you’re really asking is, “Was she a teenager?” If she was, you might feel more sympathetic toward her decision to place him for adoption; if she wasn’t, you may feel validated in your judgment. Here’s the bottom line: this question is never appropriate.
Why did she place him for adoption?
First off, we prefer to say “placed him for adoption” rather than “gave him up.” The latter implies abandonment, which is not the essence of adoption. I understand your curiosity; many people struggle to comprehend the choice to place a child for adoption. If you’re genuinely interested in learning about birth mothers’ journeys, there are inspiring accounts available on social media. However, my son’s birth mother’s story is hers alone to share.
Why did you choose to adopt?
What you’re really asking is, “Couldn’t you have biological children?” Personally, I don’t find this question offensive since I haven’t faced infertility. I chose adoption because my aunt was adopted, and it was always my dream to build my family this way. But for many, this question can be hurtful and inappropriate.
Are you going to have any more children?
Aside from the three I already have? What you meant to ask is, “Will you have any biological children?” If you’re curious about my family planning, please ask, “Are you planning to have more children?” This allows me to say, “Yes, we hope to adopt again,” or “Yes, we’d like to have a biological child,” or even, “No, I’ve been a parent since I was 25, and my husband will be 70 when our youngest leaves home, so we’re done.”
Why was he born early?
When people discover that Ethan was born ten weeks premature, they often innocently ask why. Many don’t even realize he was adopted. I never get upset, as I know they’re just curious. I kindly explain that the details of his birth mother’s pregnancy are not mine to disclose. I’m happy to share my perspective on receiving the call while shopping or recounting the amusing details of my first meeting with him. However, the specifics of his delivery belong to his birth mother. Most individuals respect my response when I say, “I don’t share those details because they are personal to his birth mother.”
I love discussing my experiences as an adoptive mother, but anything that happened prior to my arrival at the hospital is not mine to disclose. For further insights into pregnancy and home insemination, visit this excellent resource: Healthline – Pregnancy. And if you want to read more about adoption stories, check out Home Insemination Adoption Stories.
In summary, understanding the nuances of adoption and respecting the stories of birth mothers is crucial. While curiosity is natural, it’s essential to approach these topics with sensitivity and awareness.
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