It’s essential to clarify that my mother is not malicious; her love for me is unwavering and profound. I have never doubted her affection. She makes significant efforts for our well-being, especially for my children, whom she adores. In this narrative, she is not the antagonist, but a woman shaped by societal standards that equate thinness with beauty.
At sixty, my mother has yet to embrace the body positivity movement that has gained momentum in recent years. Without social media or access to modern influencers, she remains disconnected from the messages of self-acceptance. The concept of joy in one’s body is foreign to her. Growing up, she battled weight issues, often resorting to extreme diets that left her starving. She finds pride in enduring hunger, equating it with strength and virtue. Every meal is a moral dilemma for her, and each hunger pang is a badge of honor.
In contrast, I’ve come to accept my body as it is. While my size may mirror hers, I refuse to engage in the same battle against it. I have a family to nurture, and I embrace my body without shame. Although my weight fluctuates in response to life’s circumstances, I maintain a steady acceptance of my plus-size identity. Each night, as my children drift into sleep against my skin, I look down at their cherubic faces and can’t fathom wishing for any part of them to be altered.
This realization brings me sorrow. My mother’s struggle with body image blinds her to my acceptance of myself. Deep down, she is disappointed that I am not thinner. Despite her efforts to conceal this sentiment, it’s palpable.
Her own upbringing was marred by criticism and deprivation, as her mother imposed strict, starvation-based diets early on. While my grandmother never imposed such harsh judgments on me, I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for my mother to witness my grandmother cherish me in the way she should have valued herself.
My mother’s internalized body shame has roots in trauma that run deep, making it nearly impossible for her to disentangle from these beliefs. I understand that her hurtful comments stem from a place of pain, not malice. Recently, I faced gestational diabetes for the first time during my uncomplicated pregnancies. I manage it through diet, resulting in weight loss, much to my mother’s delight. In a recent conversation, she suggested I continue this restrictive eating after my child is born, as it “obviously works for me.”
When I probed her reasoning, she stumbled, ultimately implying that this dietary approach is optimal for my body type. This suggestion stung. While I am committed to my health and my baby’s well-being, I refuse to equate proper nutrition with a restrictive diet that resembles punishment. I am looking forward to savoring food without the constant calculations.
To my mom, however, this rigid approach seems ideal, as it could potentially yield a smaller body. The notion that my worth hinges on my size is one that she cannot seem to shake. I grieve for her inability to see that self-love is attainable. After decades of believing her value is tied to being thin, she cannot fathom a life beyond that belief.
I reflect on missed experiences—like the joy of my sixth birthday cake or the delightful meals we shared as a family while she opted for healthier choices. Those moments are forever lost to her, sacrificed in the name of a societal standard that she has internalized.
Despite the online fat positivity movement offering me solace and community, it’s painful to recognize that my mother may never join me on this journey toward self-acceptance. I gently rejected her suggestion about my post-pregnancy diet, explaining that managing gestational diabetes is not akin to any fad diet. I even joked about wanting a platter of cold cuts and black-and-white cookies delivered to my hospital room post-delivery.
She didn’t press the issue further, perhaps realizing it’s a conversation we can’t have. I know she’ll bring me those cookies and shower my newborn with love just as she has for me, even if the underlying hurt remains unspoken.
Ultimately, I long for her to embrace the possibility of self-acceptance, but I know that she will always hold onto her rigid beliefs about body image and worth.
For those seeking guidance on pregnancy and related topics, this excellent resource from the World Health Organization provides valuable information. If you’re interested in fertility and ways to enhance it, consider exploring the services offered by an authority like Make A Mom. Additionally, for more insights on this topic, you can read about my experiences in our other blog post here.
Summary: The narrative explores the complex dynamics between a daughter and her mother, highlighting the mother’s struggle with body image and societal standards. The daughter embraces her body, contrasting her acceptance with her mother’s disappointment in her size. Despite the mother’s love, her inability to accept her daughter’s self-love creates a poignant divide.
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