My eldest child, Max, has always been an emotionally attuned individual. As an empath, he easily absorbs the emotions of those around him. With this sensitivity comes an overwhelming mental load, often manifesting as a quick temper. He can become frustrated in an instant and struggles to take a moment to breathe before reacting. I’ve witnessed his transformation from a troubled boy to a young man who, at just 13, discovered that hitting walls and doors provided a fleeting sense of relief.
Last year, just before the holiday season, he faced a common challenge: activating his new debit card while dealing with an unhelpful automated system. I understand the frustration—I’ve lost my cool in those situations too. However, Max and I cope with these emotions in drastically different ways.
When he asked for my help activating the card, I declined, anticipating the potential for destructive behavior. I knew that giving in would only encourage a meltdown. I urged him to take a deep breath and try again, but his frustration escalated. His face flushed, and after I suggested he was capable of figuring it out on his own, he threw his phone to the ground in anger.
After storming upstairs, I heard the unmistakable sound of a door cracking. In that moment, I felt the urge to unleash my own frustration, but I resisted. This wasn’t our first encounter with his temper, and I understood that adding fuel to the fire would only worsen the situation.
After a few hours, he calmed down and successfully activated his card. Instead of simply “dealing” with his temper, I realized that I needed to help him manage it constructively. This meant establishing consequences without resorting to yelling, which is often my default.
Following the damage to his bedroom door, I hired a handyman—an expense that my son had to cover completely. It was essential for him to understand that actions have repercussions, and vandalizing your home comes at a cost. I also reminded him to pause and take three deep breaths whenever he felt overwhelmed. While he sometimes forgets this advice, he is getting better at employing these techniques.
Additionally, I enrolled him in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, where he has learned vital coping strategies for managing intense emotions—like maintaining a regular eating schedule, ensuring he gets enough sleep, and recognizing how certain types of music can affect his mood.
Though Max has never harmed anyone in a fit of rage, his tendency to hit hard surfaces and throw objects poses a risk to both himself and those around him. I remain firm in my resolve not to excuse his behavior for fear of further outbursts. It’s crucial for him to learn how to navigate his feelings and behave appropriately even when I’m not nearby.
In the past, I would either yell at him to stop or coddle him to prevent an outburst, leading to my own feelings of helplessness. None of these strategies provided any real solutions for either of us. Thankfully, his angry episodes have become less frequent, but I still hold him accountable during moments of frustration.
This month, instead of splurging on those new sneakers he desires, his paycheck will cover the cost of the door he damaged, followed by an afternoon spent painting it. While I cannot guarantee this will be the last time we encounter his temper, I notice a growing sense of humility and remorse in him. He understands the importance of managing his emotions and seeks my assistance in doing so.
I’m unapologetic about my approach to helping him navigate this challenge. My priority is to guide him through emotional struggles, ensuring he understands that losing control isn’t acceptable. The focus is on fostering self-regulation during difficult moments, coupled with the understanding that he must take responsibility for his actions.
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Summary:
Managing a teenager’s intense emotions can be challenging, but with patience and the right strategies, you can help them navigate their feelings. By establishing consequences, promoting coping mechanisms, and encouraging self-responsibility, parents can support their teens in developing emotional resilience.
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