Before introducing my family to new acquaintances, I often preface with a statement like, “I don’t resemble my family. They’re white, and I was adopted.” This isn’t intended to provoke shock or sympathy, but rather to clarify the situation. I first remember explaining this in middle school, trying to convince a friend that a Caucasian cafeteria monitor was my grandmother. “I promise you, she’s my grandma! I don’t look like my family. My family is white. I was adopted. Grandma, could you come over and meet my friend?”
As I matured, I became more aware of people’s responses to my disclosure. It’s almost as if you can witness their thought process unfold in an instant: “This doesn’t make sense; they don’t look alike. Oh, she must be adopted.” I am indeed adopted, and my family looks different from me. I was among the many babies adopted from South Korea during the 1980s and ’90s. My story goes that I was the eldest baby on the flight, arriving at four months old. My parents were there to greet me, and from photos, it’s clear I was somewhat bewildered. But, that’s a tale for another time.
Growing up in a loving, working-class family in a suburb of Upstate New York, I now have my own family with two biological children. Observing the genetic traits manifest in my kids has been a fascinating experience, but that’s another story entirely.
As an adoptee, I’d like to offer some insights on how to approach conversations about adoption without inadvertently causing discomfort.
“Where are you from?”
This question can be ambiguous. Are you asking where I live now, where I grew up, or where I was born? I often find myself providing a comprehensive answer or seeking clarification. If you’re curious, it’s better to ask a more specific question.
“So where’s your real mom?” or “So that’s not your real family?”
Each family, whether biological, blended, or otherwise, defines their relationships in their own way. In my family, my parents are simply Mom and Dad. Others might refer to their guardians by different names. However, please avoid using “real” when talking about family. My parents may not share my DNA, but they are undoubtedly real to me.
“Why were you given up?”
Not every adopted child knows the details of their origin story. I only know that I was left at a hospital in Korea, with my biological mother hoping I would be raised by a good family. Regardless of what information exists, an adoptee may not wish to delve into this topic. It’s a deeply personal matter that should be approached on their terms.
“Do you want to find ___(insert person)___?”
This is a valid query that many adoptees have pondered themselves. While it may seem straightforward, the answer is often more complex. Yes, an adoptee has likely considered reaching out, but they will choose when to discuss it further.
“Have you tried those genetic test kits? I hear you can find out a lot!”
While I appreciate the advancements in science, such as the rapid DNA testing available today, I wouldn’t suggest it unless the adoptee is already interested in finding biological relatives. Many adoptees are aware of this possibility without needing a prompt.
Recently, I watched an episode of “Elmo’s World” with my kids that beautifully showcased various family types. The focus wasn’t merely on appearances but rather on what truly defines a family.
For more insights into family dynamics and adoption, you can check out this related blog post.
In summary, understanding and approaching conversations about adoption with sensitivity is crucial. By asking thoughtful questions and respecting the boundaries of adoptees, we can foster more meaningful connections. Resources like Cryobaby’s at-home insemination kit and UCSF’s fertility insurance information can also provide valuable guidance for those exploring family building.
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