I often reflect on how I felt happier when I was married. Even during the turbulent final years of my marriage, I can honestly say I experienced more joy back then than I do now. Allow me to explain.
For a significant period, I was a stay-at-home mom. My main concerns revolved around the kids, while my ex-husband managed our finances. My daily stresses included visiting the doctor, ensuring my kids had their library books, and planning our Saturday night dinner.
I felt a strong sense of security. I didn’t have to fret about making the mortgage payment; my ex-husband always had it covered. When issues arose with the kids, he was there to assist. If something broke in the house, he knew how to fix it. I could easily offload responsibilities if they felt overwhelming, and that brought me comfort and happiness.
I realize now that I was living in a cozy bubble, where my joy was largely tied to not having to summon the bravery I do now as a divorced woman. I didn’t have to think about re-entering the dating scene or who to call for help when the heating system malfunctioned. Snow removal and bill payments were also tasks I didn’t have to tackle alone. I didn’t experience the same level of longing for my children, who now split their time between two homes. I was part of a team; now, I navigate life on my own.
This is part of the reason I remained in my marriage for so long: my safe existence masqueraded as happiness. I understood that ending our partnership would bring vulnerability and worry. If the dishwasher broke or I fell ill while the kids were home, I’d have to manage it alone. The nights of having my kids close by would be a thing of the past.
Being on my own again has required immense effort — with my kids, my job, my relationships, and my own personal growth. Honestly, it hasn’t been an easy journey. I don’t feel as secure as I once did. If I hear a noise at night, there’s no one to turn to and ask, “What do you think that was?” It’s just me, hoping it’s a harmless creature trying to escape the garage.
If I can’t sleep, I have no one to wake up beside me. If a job I was counting on falls through, I must find a way to cope. If I forget something at the store, there’s no one to call for backup.
While I might have experienced more happiness as a married woman, my life today is undoubtedly better. Losing my comfort zone has compelled me to grow in ways I never would have considered while still married. I’ve had to stretch myself and become the best version of myself because I had no choice. I realized that if I didn’t confront challenges and failures, I would suffer. And I knew there was a stronger version of myself waiting to emerge from behind the walls I had built.
I recognized that if I remained in the safety of a predictable life, I risked losing sight of who I could become. I’m not suggesting that being married is inherently wrong or that those who share their lives with a partner aren’t brave. I’m saying that I was stagnant, making unhealthy compromises out of fear of losing that illusion of happiness. And yes, I lost that sense of comfort.
However, I also recognized that I wasn’t pursuing the dreams I was meant to chase. I was clinging to a relationship that felt easier rather than facing the challenges that awaited me on the other side of separation. Staying married felt like a safety net; I didn’t have to confront my fears or push myself to grow. There was a certain peace in that, but it’s not a valid reason to remain in any relationship — whether it be a job, a friendship, or a marriage.
Stepping into the unknown guarantees that you will stumble and struggle to regain your footing. To me, that was once synonymous with unhappiness. I’ve come to accept that ignorance can indeed be bliss. I’m not as blissfully happy as I was during my marriage, but I’m living a more fulfilling life. I’m deeply in love with myself and have more faith in my abilities than ever before. I can handle challenging situations with my kids independently and enjoy more quality time with friends than I have in years.
Yes, my days can be tougher now, and I must work extra hard to manage negative emotions. A fulfilled life comes with self-doubt, rejection, and vulnerability. Yet, I wouldn’t trade any of that for the false sense of happiness I once had. I now know I can face whatever life throws at me, and I refuse to hide behind the facade of safety to maintain my happiness. Simply avoiding hardships does not equate to living well.
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In summary, while my marriage brought a certain level of happiness, the growth and independence I’ve gained since my divorce have led to a more rewarding life.
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