Dear Fluctuating Estrogen and Progesterone,
Let’s not beat around the bush: your behavior lately has been nothing short of atrocious. Honestly, I could do without your antics, so do us all a favor and just back off!
Once upon a time, you blessed me with a solid two weeks of relative calm—a magical span where I could frolic through life, enjoying simple pleasures like bike rides or blissful bubble-blowing. Those days were a delightful reprieve, filled with laughter and bedtime stories. However, you’ve decided to throw a wrench into this bliss, and I’m now navigating through a chaotic rollercoaster of emotions and physical discomfort.
Now, my existence is a bizarre cycle of one week of tolerable moodiness followed by a week of sheer rage, capped off with a week of cramping and unexpected surprises that would make anyone’s jaw drop. Seriously? My search history is now littered with queries like “what’s the biggest tampon?” and “hysterectomy recovery times.” I should be looking up cute cat videos or the latest nail art trends, not this!
Just today, I found myself in a frenzy, devouring a whole pack of chips out of nowhere. After breakfasting on a mountain of carbs, I made a beeline for Little Caesars to stock up on pizza for my family—because carbs are my forever love. I could practically hear my pants groaning in protest.
Let’s talk about triggers. My husband’s casual toss of his work pants over my chair? Trigger! My daughter’s innocent inquiry about my day? Trigger! And let’s not even mention our exchange student’s wandering presence, or my dog’s soulful stare that practically screams, “Feed me!” Each small annoyance feels like a landmine waiting to explode.
Here’s a rule of thumb: The only people who can discuss my hormones are those who are also experiencing them. All sisters are exempt from this rule, but men—just a heads up—avoid phrases like “that time of the month” or “must be your menses.” Trust me, you do not want to go there. Your job is to tread lightly around me, keeping a low profile while being available for emergency snack runs or even a trip to find the right feminine products. Just don’t engage unless absolutely necessary.
And for the love of all that is good, please respect personal space. I don’t need any physical affection while I’m in this hormonal whirlwind. Imagine if someone were tugging at your sensitive areas while your insides were in turmoil. Exactly!
Now, let’s take a moment to dissect the term “menopause.” It’s essentially a call to “pause the men.” We love you, but not right now. A back rub while binge-watching a favorite show sounds way better than any romantic gesture at this point.
I apologize for my outburst, but estrogen, you’re to blame for my monthly meltdowns, especially during mundane tasks like driving or grocery shopping. These episodes have been surprisingly effective in getting me through long lines at the bank—people tend to back off when they sense you might snap.
So, let’s speed through this middle-age cycle, shall we? I’m told it could last years, but in the meantime, I’d like to thank my sponsors for helping me cope:
- Salt and Vinegar Pringles
- A good glass of red wine
- Binge-watching Netflix
- Long, hot baths
- Cozy socks
- Retail therapy (even if it’s just window shopping)
- Girlfriend vent sessions
Sincerely,
Jamie, on behalf of all women navigating these hormonal storms.
For more insights into managing your journey, check out some of our other posts, like this one that delves into home insemination strategies or explore the authority on the subject at Make a Mom. Additionally, for those considering family planning, March of Dimes offers excellent resources.
Summary
Hormonal fluctuations can lead to chaos and emotional upheaval, especially during middle age. This humorous letter captures the frustrations of navigating life with unpredictable hormones, while also acknowledging the small comforts that help ease the struggle.
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