On my dresser, there’s a photo of me with my eldest child, Lily. She was just a month old, lying comfortably on a Boppy Pillow, while I lovingly leaned over her, gazing into her eyes as she looked up at the camera. This snapshot captures a tender moment, showcasing the love I had for my baby. However, it fails to reveal the loneliness that accompanied that joy.
I had a support network and, at the time, a partner who was equally engaged in parenting. Becoming a parent had been my deepest desire, yet I found myself struggling to adapt to this new identity. I believed that to be a good parent, I had to dedicate every ounce of myself to my child. Whenever I thought about putting myself first, guilt washed over me, convincing me I was being selfish. That photograph now serves as a reminder of how misguided I was.
While I understood that parenting requires sacrifice, I didn’t realize just how much I could lose by neglecting my own needs. Fast forward two more kids and nearly a decade, and I’ve learned that no one should give all of themselves to anyone, not even their children. I don’t blame my kids for the unhealthy patterns I developed; rather, I used them as excuses to avoid making choices that would prioritize my well-being.
Before I acknowledged my need to get sober, I was well aware of my drinking problem. And before I accepted the impending divorce, I recognized that my relationship was not fulfilling. I convinced myself that drinking was essential for coping with the chaos of raising three young children. I feared that separating from my partner would be too difficult for my kids, but in reality, I was sacrificing my own happiness and mental health. The decisions I believed were for their benefit were often just ways for me to evade taking control of my life. After committing to a year of sobriety, it became clear how vital it is to choose myself before my children. Carving out time for self-care doesn’t equate to selfishness.
I’ve become more intentional about prioritizing my needs, which has directly enhanced my parenting. I am a happier, more engaged mother. When I attend to my own requirements first, I’m in a healthier position to meet my children’s needs. One of my essential needs is exercise; it’s crucial for my physical and emotional well-being and plays a significant role in my sobriety. Working out has become a non-negotiable part of my routine. My kids often see me leave for my workouts or retreat to my little home gym. I’ve stopped feeling guilty about their screen time or letting them explore their own creativity while I focus on myself. Sometimes, they want to join me, and rather than changing my plans, I find ways to involve them without losing my focus.
I’ve improved at discerning what I need versus what their immediate requests entail. In the past, I would suppress my anxiety and frustration just to say yes to their demands for games or projects, thinking I was being a good parent. However, this often led to short tempers and impatience. I learned that saying yes sometimes meant being a less-than-ideal version of myself.
A couple of years ago, I faced this challenge head-on during dinner prep. My kids have always enjoyed helping in the kitchen, but I used to rely on a drink to get through the chaos. When I eliminated alcohol, the urge to drink still lingered, making the noise and interruptions from my kids feel overwhelming. I would snap at them, feeling suffocated by the pressure to get dinner ready without my usual coping mechanism. Instead of struggling in silence, I adapted. I started assigning them simple tasks they could handle on their own, allowing us to share the space without the pressure.
Now that my kids, ages 9 and 6, are older, I can be more direct about my needs. When they ask for my attention, I can suggest a time to reconnect after I’ve had a moment to gather myself. “I need to finish this first so I can enjoy our time together—can we meet up in 20 minutes?” They may not always love waiting, but it ultimately benefits both of us.
It’s important to acknowledge that parenting doesn’t always allow for the perfect mindset. I’m far from enjoying every moment with my children, and that’s simply part of the experience. Being a parent doesn’t mean sacrificing everything for your kids. Practicing self-care involves setting boundaries, saying no, and understanding when you can help others rather than constantly neglecting your own needs. This is not selfish—it’s a model for my children on the importance of self-care and establishing personal space before extending ourselves to others.
For additional insights on navigating parenting and self-care, check out this blog post from our other resources. Also, if you’re interested in learning more about fertility, Make A Mom is a great authority on the subject. For those exploring options for conception, NHS offers excellent resources regarding intrauterine insemination.
In summary, prioritizing oneself is crucial for effective parenting. Embracing self-care not only enhances your own well-being but also allows you to be a more present and engaged parent.
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