Infertility can be a challenging journey, not just for the woman undergoing treatments but also for her partner. It can strain relationships, testing the very foundation of marriage. My partner, Alex, and I certainly faced our share of difficulties. However, with open communication and a lot of patience, we emerged more united than ever. He truly is my best friend.
Throughout this process, we’ve made some questionable decisions and said things we didn’t mean, but we’ve always prioritized our relationship. Well, except for that one time I was coming off progesterone; that was a bit of a disaster. Other than that, our connection has remained front and center.
However, there’s one major area where infertility has left its mark: our sex life. In fact, the very act that once brought us together now felt like a chore. Our conception story is far from romantic; Alex and I were miles apart during the process, and he witnessed a medical professional inserting a catheter to transfer our embryos into my uterus. Not exactly the stuff of romance novels, right?
During IVF, physical intimacy dwindled significantly. Initially, we were excited about “timed intercourse,” which meant having frequent sex at specific times. It felt exhilarating at first—until it didn’t. Quickly, sex morphed from a passionate connection to a mechanical task driven by the pressure to conceive, transforming what was once a joyful act into a source of stress.
The pressure weighed heavily on Alex, especially when ovulation tests indicated it was “go time.” The urgency to perform was overwhelming. Friends and family offered unsolicited advice, like “just relax and go on vacation.” Well, Karen, we tried that. After taking Clomid and a trigger shot, we ended up in adjoining rooms with my in-laws—hardly conducive to a stress-free getaway.
As we transitioned to IUI, the intimacy dwindled even further, as we had to abstain to ensure the best sperm were ready to go. My desire for sex plummeted, especially as I felt it was pointless if it wasn’t timed with ovulation. And don’t even get me started on the aftermath of failed attempts; the last thing we wanted was to be intimate while grieving yet another disappointment.
As we embarked on IVF, the lack of physical contact became even more pronounced. Testing was intense, and the emotional and hormonal rollercoaster made intimacy feel like an impossible task. Once pregnant, fear took over. I was terrified that any physical activity could jeopardize our precious baby, so I walked on eggshells, avoiding anything that could be risky.
Even after the first trimester, complications like low-lying placenta dictated that sex was off the table for both pregnancies. We found ourselves waiting until I was well into my third trimester before we could even think about intimacy again. Then, there was the six-week postpartum period when sex was off-limits altogether. For me, it was more like ten weeks before I felt remotely ready.
When I finally got the green light from my doctor, I expected my sex drive to return with a vengeance. Instead, I felt like a stranger in my own body—stretched out and over-medicated, I couldn’t fathom being intimate. After undergoing surgery to regain my former figure, I thought I’d finally feel confident and sexy again. Spoiler alert: it didn’t work that way. I still felt like a lab experiment.
Eventually, I realized I had to confront the elephant in the room. I had shut down emotionally and physically, even though I was still very much attracted to Alex. I had to face how deeply my self-esteem had been affected by our infertility journey. Listening to how this impacted Alex was difficult but essential for rekindling our intimacy.
There’s no one-size-fits-all solution to restoring intimacy after infertility. What works for us might not work for everyone. However, complete honesty and transparency are crucial. If you’ve survived the storm of fertility treatments together, you certainly have the strength to navigate the challenges ahead.
If you’re interested in more insights on this topic, check out our post on navigating intimacy during infertility. For those looking for reliable resources, CDC’s pregnancy page is a great place to start, and for practical home insemination solutions, Make A Mom is an authority in the field.
In summary, infertility can significantly impact both intimacy and relationships. Open communication and understanding between partners are essential to navigate this challenging journey together.
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