Every afternoon, when my seven-year-old son hops off the school bus, he dashes up our lengthy driveway and leaps into my waiting arms. I shower him with kisses and eagerly ask about his day, then we wander inside together, arm in arm, ready for a snack. It’s an affectionate ritual, and he believes we’re practically engaged—there’s no holding back in our show of love.
My preschooler is no different. She often shares our bed and clings to me like a little koala, whispering sweet nothings like “I love you, Mommy.” I can’t resist her charm, and we often steal hugs and nuzzles throughout the day. It’s silly, but it’s our routine.
However, I have two daughters who are now in their tween years, and I recently came to a surprising realization: I had inadvertently stepped back from offering them the same level of affection. I’m not sure when it happened, but it did.
Being a tween can be quite the rollercoaster. One moment they’re still into their childhood toys and snacks, and the next, they’re demanding cell phones, slamming doors, and claiming they “hate” us. Their emotions swing wildly, thanks to the onset of puberty, and the social pressures they face can be overwhelming.
I mistakenly believed that since my girls were becoming more independent, they didn’t crave my hugs or bedtime cuddles anymore. I figured they were “too cool” for that, and before I knew it, my physical affection had faded away.
One day, while trying to prepare dinner with all the kids buzzing around, my oldest daughter came up to me and simply said, “Mommy.” It stopped me in my tracks. When was the last time she used that name? She wanted to share an essay she had written at school, something that made her proud.
In that moment, I realized how much I had neglected to show my tweens the affection they likely needed more than ever. They weren’t little babies anymore, but that didn’t mean they didn’t still need me around.
For several days after this epiphany, I felt guilt gnawing at me. Was I trying to give them space? Had I gotten lazy about showing love? Whatever the reason, I knew I had to change my approach.
Each child is unique: one enjoys quirky book readings without much physical contact, while another thrives on roughhousing. It’s crucial to engage with each child in a way that resonates with their individual needs. What’s not okay is withdrawing just because they’re growing up.
I started creating a connection list for each of my kids to better understand their love languages. This list encompasses not only physical affection but also activities we can enjoy together. Last weekend, I surprised my oldest by decorating her bedroom wall with gold star decals. I ensured the other kids were entertained elsewhere, allowing us to savor some one-on-one time. After we finished, I wrapped my arm around her and praised our teamwork.
My younger daughter prefers light-hearted conversations over hugs. We engage in fun games like “would-you-rather” while exploring her superhero book collection. Our time together doesn’t always delve into deep topics, but it’s exactly what she needs.
By nurturing these connections, I’ve fostered trust that opens the door for serious discussions when they arise. I remember how tough being a tween was for me back in the ’90s, but today’s kids face even more challenges. We’ve tackled tough subjects like vaping, consent, bullying, and mental health. I genuinely believe that our strengthened bond is what makes my tweens feel comfortable coming to me with their concerns.
It’s been a few weeks since that lightbulb moment. While I initially felt embarrassed about my lack of awareness, I’ve come to cherish those moments when my daughter calls me “Mommy.” That realization has sparked a positive change in our family dynamic, and I’m committed to closing the distance between us.
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In summary, recognizing the need for affection in my tweens’ lives has been eye-opening. It’s a gentle reminder that no matter their age, they still require love and connection. By actively engaging with them, I’ve begun to restore the bonds that matter most.
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