She requested a napkin to clean the marinara from her mouth, but all I had was a tissue, so I handed that to her. She awkwardly wiped her lips and cheeks, missing a few areas, and returned it to me. At that point, her appetite was nearly nonexistent—she had become so frail and weak, dependent on painkillers, and had lost her interest in food. When she surprised me by asking for spaghetti, I was more than willing to oblige. She only managed a few noodle strands, but it delighted her nonetheless.
The memories of my mother’s fight against ovarian cancer often creep into my mind, sometimes unexpectedly but mostly while I’m navigating life with my 11-year-old son. As I fold his video game-themed shirts and sift through the endless pile of socks, I can’t help but picture him in my position one day, contemplating how he might care for me if the need ever arises.
I reminisce about the countless evenings when I’d drive over to my parents’ house after a long day at work, at least three times a week (plus weekends), just to give my dad a brief respite. After caring for my mother for over two years, he appeared gaunt, his vibrant smile faded. The weight of being her primary caregiver had taken its toll on his body, mind, and heart.
By this point, my mother relied heavily on my father, my brother, and me for help with daily activities like dressing, bathing, eating, and getting in and out of bed. Since my parents didn’t have private insurance to cover such services, we all stepped in. My brother and I had moved out and started our adult lives in different cities, but we were fortunate enough to be close enough to lighten my father’s load and support our mother as her battle with cancer reached its final phase.
My father had run his own printing business for over forty years. When my mom first fell ill, he was still working full-time. As her condition deteriorated over the two years, he faced the hard choice of selling his business and working part-time for the new owners. Eventually, he had to stop working altogether.
The financial impact on my parents was tough, but nothing compared to the emotional strain it placed on my father. A naturally outgoing man, his job had been a major social outlet. Once he was home full-time with my mother, he effectively lost himself. My mom wished to keep her illness private, which left my dad without external support. Meanwhile, my brother and I struggled to juggle our mother’s care with our full-time jobs and personal lives, all while dealing with the stress and guilt that often accompany caring for a loved one with a chronic illness.
I’m not alone in this experience. The AARP Public Policy Institute reports that over 40 million Americans are caregivers, providing a whopping $470 billion annually in unpaid services. Many of these individuals belong to the “sandwich generation,” balancing care for both their aging parents and children at home. A recent T. Rowe Price study found that 35 percent of parents with kids aged 8 to 14 are also tending to an older family member. Just imagine trying to provide round-the-clock care while managing a career and parenting responsibilities. That’s a heavy burden for anyone to carry.
While many view caregiving as a blessing and are willing to provide that support, it’s certainly not easy. The physical and emotional demands are significant, and the financial implications are real too. The same AARP study notes that family caregivers over 50 who leave the workforce to care for a parent face average income losses exceeding $300,000.
As I reflect on my own caregiving journey, the thought of my son stepping into my role one day fills me with dread. I know he would step up for his mom without hesitation, but it’s a responsibility I wouldn’t want him to shoulder—especially not alone. I hope for him to have the opportunity to manage my care rather than provide it himself.
I consider myself lucky to work for a company that emphasizes the importance of planning and has introduced me to various resources that can ease the caregiving process. I’ve learned that planning ahead and exploring options for covering future care costs can alleviate the burden on family members while also safeguarding retirement savings. Addressing these matters now, while I’m healthy, grants my family more choices at a lower cost compared to waiting for a crisis to unfold.
If there was a silver lining in my family’s caregiving experience, it was that my mother spent her final days in the comfort of her home. I didn’t realize that the night I served her spaghetti would be the last time I saw her. As I left her room, she imparted a parting message that still resonates with me: “Jessica, kick your feet up and don’t worry about a thing. I love you.” And I love you too, Mom. Always.
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Summary
Reflecting on my experience as a caregiver for my mother, I realize I never want my son to face that burden alone. While caregiving can be rewarding, it’s also a heavy responsibility that can affect one’s emotional and financial well-being. By planning ahead and exploring resources to ease caregiving, I hope to ensure my son can manage my care instead of having to provide it.
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