Recently, I attended a community gathering that provided name tags to help people connect. I wrote my name (Jamie) and included my gender-neutral pronouns (they/them). This choice reflects that neither my name nor my appearance defines my gender identity. As a nonbinary individual, I don’t identify strictly as male or female; my gender can feel like a blend of both or even neither at times. Sharing my pronouns is also a way to signal to others that I respect their identities and will ask about their pronouns if they don’t share them.
However, as the evening progressed, I noticed that no one else had included their pronouns on their name tags, which left me feeling somewhat isolated. It’s frustrating to be an outlier and bear the additional burden of educating others about making spaces more inclusive for people like me—those who are genderqueer, gender fluid, and nonbinary. It would be immensely helpful if everyone recognized that gender exists beyond just male and female, and that there are various pronouns available aside from he/him and she/her.
Some readers may already be aware of this, while others might be in the process of learning and adapting to what can feel like new concepts and language. However, the idea of gender as a spectrum and the usage of gender-neutral pronouns are not new. Just because something is unfamiliar to you doesn’t mean it’s nonexistent. For instance, I recently discovered that a popular figure from a show I enjoy, Alex, had a previous career before their current fame. Not being aware of that doesn’t diminish their experience, just as not knowing about gender-neutral pronouns shouldn’t affect my identity or your capacity to learn.
Let’s dive in.
While I use they/them pronouns, they’re not the only gender-neutral options available. Other pronouns such as ze/hir, xe/xem, and ze/zir are also common in the genderqueer and nonbinary communities. The key takeaway is this: if someone specifies their pronouns, you should respect that and use them. Defaulting to assumptions about someone’s gender and pronouns is not only disrespectful but also harmful. Staying within your comfort zone may seem easier, but it signals a lack of effort and care toward others’ identities. When someone shares their name and pronouns with you, reciprocate that respect.
Resources for understanding gender-neutral language abound. The Associated Press, the Chicago Manual of Style, and the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee’s LGBTQ Center are all fantastic starting points for further education. While you might not have time to explore these resources immediately, consider bookmarking them for later. Here are some practical examples of how to effectively use gender-neutral pronouns:
Meeting Someone New
“Hi, I’m [insert name]. I use they/them pronouns. What about you?”
“Hey, I’m [insert name] and I go by he/him. This is my friend [insert name], and they use they/them pronouns. How would you like us to address you?”
Referring to Someone
Using someone’s correct pronouns when they’re not present is a strong act of support.
“My friend [insert name] baked this cake; they’re an excellent chef.”
“[Insert name] can’t join us tonight. Hir dad needs help with his online classes.”
“That bottle isn’t mine; it’s hirs.”
“I admire how [insert name] manages everything. They really ought to take a break!”
“I meant to call ze, but I got sidetracked by funny videos.”
Correcting Someone
Standing up for someone else’s pronouns when others misgender them is one of the most powerful ways to show allyship.
Sarah: “[Insert name] will meet us at the café. She’s bringing [insert name] along.”
Mike: “[Insert name] uses they/them pronouns, just a reminder. They’ll be picking up [insert name].”
Sarah: “Oh right! Thanks for the reminder.”
Correcting Yourself
Mistakes happen, and it’s okay to slip up occasionally. The important thing is to acknowledge your error and move on without putting the burden of your discomfort on the person you misgendered. If someone corrects you, express gratitude for their patience.
Laura: “I’m excited to see [insert name]! I haven’t seen him—hir—in ages.”
Mark: “This is [insert name]. It’s her—sorry, their—first time at the yoga class.”
Learning to navigate language in this way might feel like acquiring a new dialect, but remember that you’re simply expanding your language toolkit. Your discomfort, while valid, is minor compared to the challenges faced by those of us who identify as nonbinary or genderqueer. Your efforts to create a more inclusive environment can have a profound impact.
This article was originally published on March 4, 2020.
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Summary
This guide provides essential information on the importance of using gender-neutral pronouns and offers practical examples for incorporating them into everyday conversations. It emphasizes the significance of respect and understanding in fostering an inclusive environment for nonbinary and genderqueer individuals.
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