“Because I said so.”
I’ve found myself using this phrase more times than I’d like to admit during those overwhelming parenting moments. While it may sound a bit authoritarian, I don’t feel guilty when I use it. That’s because when I resort to “because I said so,” I’ve already taken the time to explain my reasoning, given my kids choices, and attempted to find a middle ground. By the time I declare “because I said so,” I’ve reached a point where I must establish a boundary. Context truly matters.
If I were to say “because I said so” at the first hint of disagreement, that would be a different story. That approach would lean more towards authoritarianism and would fail to nurture my kids’ sense of autonomy and independence. My aim as a parent isn’t to enforce blind obedience, but neither do I want my kids to feel like they run the household.
I identify as an authoritative parent. This style blends warmth and sensitivity with the establishment of limits. It involves listening to my children when they express their desires or concerns, but it doesn’t mean they’ll always get their way. This is where the “limits” come into play. When you hear me say “because I said so,” it marks a moment of boundary-setting after a thorough discussion.
In contrast, authoritarian parenting is characterized by rigid rules and severe consequences for even minor infractions. I remember a close friend whose parents were authoritarian; she was never able to please them and was constantly grounded or assigned extra chores. Unfortunately, this left her feeling deprived of a normal childhood. My own upbringing was rooted in authoritative parenting, where both sets of parents used “because I said so,” but with very different intentions.
Rules are essential in my household, but they also come with some flexibility. For example, a few months back, my 13-year-old son, Max, announced he wanted to quit playing the guitar. He’d brought it up before, often hinting that he was simply too tired or hungry to attend his lessons. My instinct was to forbid him from quitting, especially given the time and money invested in his lessons.
Instead, I took a moment to breathe and remind myself that he was likely just worn out after a long day. I let his words linger for a moment before sharing my thoughts. I told him how wonderful it would be to continue playing, imagining him strumming around a campfire with friends or sharing his music with future children. But I also made it clear that if he genuinely wanted to quit after reflecting on it for a few weeks, I would respect that choice. As a violin teacher, I’ve seen firsthand how forcing a child into an activity they dislike is counterproductive.
However, I did set a condition – while I wouldn’t compel Max to stick with guitar, he would need to find another activity to engage in, whether it be another instrument, a sport, or a club. So far, he’s chosen to continue with guitar (yay!).
Authoritative parenting isn’t about micromanaging every aspect of a child’s life; it’s about being adaptable, valuing their opinions, and knowing which battles are worth fighting. Research shows that among the four primary parenting styles—authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and neglectful—authoritative parenting is the most effective for raising independent, socially adept, respectful, and academically successful children. Kids with authoritative parents tend to experience lower rates of depression and anxiety and are less likely to engage in delinquent behavior or substance abuse.
If I had taken an authoritarian stance regarding Max’s desire to quit guitar, I wouldn’t have cared about his feelings, simply insisting he continue against his will. This would have dismissed his ability to reflect on his passions and make informed choices for himself.
When Max voiced his wish to quit guitar, it wasn’t a “because I said so” moment. It was an opportunity for him to contemplate his decision seriously. I’m pleased he’s chosen to stick with it, but as an authoritative parent, if he ultimately decides to quit, I would support him—albeit with the requirement to explore another activity.
Because I’m his mom, and I said so.
If you’re interested in more parenting insights and resources, check out this blog post, which offers engaging perspectives on family dynamics. Additionally, Make a Mom provides valuable information on couples’ fertility journeys, and Facts About Fertility is an excellent resource for anyone navigating pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, parenting is about finding the right balance between nurturing autonomy and maintaining authority. By listening, respecting my children’s choices, and setting boundaries, I aim to foster their independence while guiding them toward responsible decision-making.
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