40 Side-Splitting Quotes from ‘Cheers’ Straight from the Bar

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As sitcoms go, NBC has been the reigning champion for decades. From the heartfelt moments of The Good Place to the hilarious antics of Parks and Recreation, The Office, Friends, and of course, the iconic Cheers, these shows have created unforgettable characters who, despite being an unlikely bunch, have become the definition of #SquadGoals.

Cheers was our go-to for laughs, featuring a cast of quirky patrons and staff at a Boston bar where everybody knows your name. Dive into our collection of some of the most amusing one-liners from Sam (played by Ted Danson) and the gang, perfect for a laugh or two!

1. “I could use a little something to fill the time before my second beer. How about a first one?” –Norm
2. “It was a magical experience. It was like I was whisked back in time. No longer a weary mom with six kids, but a vibrant teenager with just two.” –Carla
3. “Coach: ‘How’s life treating you, Norm?’ Norm: ‘Like I just ran over its dog.’”
4. “Just so you know, I’m not dating anyone. But the guy who left after knocking me up is way classier than you.” –Carla
5. “You’ve got to really know each other before taking a big step. You need to get through this initial infatuation until you’re sick of one another—that’s when you’re ready for marriage. Just look at Diane and me; we waited five years. If it were my choice, we’d wait another five.” –Sam
6. Carla: “There are things he doesn’t know about me.” Diane: “A little mystery is good for a marriage. What haven’t you told him?” Carla: “That my kids are alive.”
7. “What’s the point of winning if you can’t humiliate the other team?” –Coach
8. “I truly think I can pull off a fantastic Thanksgiving dinner. This will be my second attempt, and believe me, the first wasn’t as disastrous as my family claimed. Those kids had a blast in that ambulance!” –Rebecca
9. Sam: “What’s happening, Normie?” Norm: “It’s my birthday, Sammy. Pour me a beer, stick a candle in it, and I’ll blow out my liver.”
10. “Ooh, a totally unsolicited personal attack—count me in!” –Carla
11. “I’ll tell you something I’m not good at: saying ‘No’ to women. The closest I’ve come is ‘Not now, we’re landing.’” –Sam
12. “Women. Can’t live with ’em. Hand me the beer nuts.” –Norm
13. Diane: “Sam, may I have a quick word?” Sam: “You could, but I doubt it.”
14. Woody: “Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?” Norm: “Isn’t it a bit early for that, Woody?” Woody: “For a beer?” Norm: “No, for dumb questions.”
15. “I don’t even want to make the team, Diane. I’m happy being a bench warmer. What would we do without bench warmers? Cold benches everywhere, and we don’t need that. Honestly, I’m content just being an anonymous piece in this job.” –Norm
16. Coach: “What’s the scoop, Norm?” Norm: “A thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it.”
17. “Sam, if brains were cash, you’d need to borrow money for a cup of coffee.” –Diane
18. “You can’t trust a word that comes out of your mouth. If you could fix TVs and crack walnuts with your forehead, you might be my ex-husband.” –Carla
19. “Oh, now you’re saying I’m repetitive, that I say the same things over and over!” –Frasier
20. Carla: “Diane, I heard screams.” Diane: “Oh, I dreamt I was being murdered.” Carla: “Was I the murderer?” Diane: “No.” Carla: “Did I help at all?”
21. “I traded in my femininity for a trip to Bermuda.” –Diane
22. “It’s a dog-eat-dog world, and I’m wearing Milk-Bone underwear.” –Norm
23. Woody: “How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?” Norm: “Pretty nervous if I was in the room.”
24. “I like rat parts; it’s my favorite part of the hot dog!” –Sam
25. “Once trust is gone in a relationship, lying loses its charm.” –Norm
26. Sam: “How’s life treating you?” Norm: “It’s not, Sammy, but that doesn’t mean you can’t.”
27. “When I say I love you, I’m exposing my very core. When you say it, you’re just clearing your throat.” –Diane (to Sam)
28. “You know, I don’t ask for much; a fresh fish, a discount on laundry detergent, volcanic boils on my ex-husband, and the Sox in the Series again before I kick the bucket.” –Carla
29. Cliff: “Well, Carla, everyone knows I’m scientifically inclined. I spent part of my youth in a lab.” Carla: “And you’d still be there if a chimp hadn’t taught you how to escape.”
30. Cliff: “What a sad spectacle. I’m embarrassed God made me a man.” Carla: “I doubt God is bragging either.”
31. Lilith: “I’m off. I don’t know what the future holds, but I hope to realize my full potential.” Carla: “Like a body temperature?” Lilith: “Good one, Carla. Just so you know, I’ve tolerated your remarks for years, you hideous gargoyle, and if you ever open that gateway to hell you call a mouth towards me again, I’ll snap off your limbs like twigs and feed them to you at gunpoint.”
32. Candi: “What’s your name?” Frasier: “Uh, Dr. Frasier Crane.” Candi: “I’m Candi.” Frasier: “Ah, yes, I see from your necklace—Candi with an ‘I’.” Candi: “I used to spell it with a ‘Y’, but nobody took me seriously, so I switched to ‘I,’ like Gandhi.” Frasier: “Right, that’s precisely why he did that.”
33. Sam: “I’ve never really looked into your eyes.” Diane: “Is something wrong with them?” Sam: “No, they’re just a color I’ve never seen before. Actually, yes, I have—while skiing once, I saw the sky turn a brilliant hue at sunset. I wished I had someone to share that beauty with. I even tried to convince myself it wasn’t real. But now, I see I was wrong.” [Pause] “That wouldn’t work, huh?” Diane: “What?” Sam: “Smart women would see right through that.” Diane: “Oh…oh! Just a minute!”
34. “I really think I can whip up a great Thanksgiving dinner. This will be my second try, and trust me, the first wasn’t the catastrophe my family claimed it was. The kids had quite the adventure in that ambulance!” –Rebecca
35. “The sex was amazing, but he was British and clueless.” –Rebecca
36. “I lost my dream job, and when I left that House of Pancakes, I felt like I was two inches tall.” –Rebecca
37. Rebecca: “Until I started eating clean, I never realized how delicious a nice, dry rice cake could be.” Woody: “How can you eat those, Miss Howe? They have no flavor.” Rebecca: “If I eat these, I’ll live longer.” Woody: “Then why do you want to extend a life you hate?” Rebecca: “Shut it, Woody.”
38. “What’s new, Norm?” “All four cheeks and a couple of chins.”
39. “How’s it going, Mr. Peterson?” “Poor.” “I’m sorry to hear that.” “I mean pour.”
40. “What’s up, Mr. Peterson?” “A flashing sign in my gut that says, ‘Insert beer here.’”

For more engaging content, check out our other posts on parenting and home insemination techniques at Home Insemination Kit. Plus, for those interested in boosting fertility, Make a Mom offers insightful advice on fertility supplements. And for anyone navigating fertility insurance, UCSF provides excellent resources.

In conclusion, Cheers reminds us of the laughs and life lessons that come from friendships built in the most unexpected places, all while enjoying a cold drink and a hearty dose of humor.