There are moments when I want to unleash my frustration at my ex-husband right in front of our kids. Especially during those awkward drop-offs, when he strolls up with a smirk, casually tossing out comments that undermine my authority. He seems oblivious to the fact that his passive-aggressive behavior has been a long-standing issue between us. When we were married, he once told me I was overanalyzing his words and overreacting.
Though I strongly disagree with him now more than ever, I choose not to engage in those battles. I want to shield my children from witnessing their parents argue; disagreements can happen in private, away from their innocent eyes. Divorce is tough on kids, and they’ve shown remarkable resilience, so I refuse to add to their stress.
Neither my ex nor I are perfect. What’s vital now that we’ve separated is that we prioritize being happy, healthy co-parents. That entails keeping arguments about trivial matters away from our children and not using them as leverage against one another.
Maintaining this resolve is incredibly challenging, and I must admit, I haven’t always succeeded. For instance, when he decided to whisk our kids away to a lavish trip in Key West with his girlfriend—without consulting me first—I was devastated. I cried when my son told me about their exciting hotel. “It’s going to be so fun!” he said, while shock washed over my face. I was completely blindsided by this extravagant vacation.
Fuming, I retreated to my room, my emotions boiling over. I was furious that he would make such decisions without including me. I ended up shouting, “I’ll keep them the whole following week! Your plans don’t matter!” before abruptly hanging up.
Looking back, I regret that outburst. My kids heard me, and it dampened their excitement. They spent the trip checking in on me, making sure I was okay, which was entirely unfair to them. Their job was to enjoy their time with their father, who loves them dearly.
The incident stung because it felt all too familiar—my ex undermining my role and making unilateral decisions. In that moment, I foolishly thought I could balance the scales by limiting his time with the kids. But using them as a bargaining tool was simply wrong. I refuse to punish them to get back at him again.
Divorce inevitably brings moments of weakness and frustration, especially with kids involved. Even if you part amicably, challenges will arise: new partners, differing parenting styles, and forgotten commitments. Each situation can test your patience and provoke hurt feelings.
Kids are perceptive; they know when they’re being used as pawns in a dispute. They will sense it, remember it, and yes, they may hold you accountable for it, even if that’s not your intention. I refuse to let my children view their parents’ divorce as a tug-of-war. I won’t allow them to feel caught in a toxic situation that’s beyond their control. Remember, our divorce was not their fault.
My goal is to provide them with enriching experiences that enhance their lives. If that means sometimes they spend a little less time with me, so be it. I want them to have a say in how they celebrate holidays and birthdays without me playing petty games with their father.
If I let ego and hurt dictate my actions and use my children as weapons, the only ones who will suffer are my kids and our relationship, which is the most valuable thing to me. I refuse to allow my anger toward their father to drive a wedge between us.
So, as difficult as it may be, I’ll keep my grievances between my ex and me. Most importantly, I will never again use our children as a means to hurt him. Lesson learned.
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Summary:
Navigating a divorce with children can be incredibly challenging. It’s essential to prioritize their emotional well-being over personal grievances. By avoiding using kids as leverage, parents can foster a healthier environment, ensuring their children have enriching experiences and positive memories, even in the face of familial changes.
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