I found myself grappling with the aftermath of my divorce. A year has passed since my 17-year relationship crumbled, and I’m still haunted by a barrage of unresolved questions. These doubts often stem from my insecurities, leading me to question my thoughts, my intuition, my capacity to love, and the choices I make in partners. Was I ever really with him? Did he change over time? I try to give myself some grace, yet the harsh reality is undeniable.
The one truth I can’t alter is that my marriage perished. Our friendship faded long before the official divorce; it suffered an unnatural demise filled with more tears and heartache than I could have imagined. It ended with feelings of inadequacy and a constant yearning for love. It succumbed to isolation, neglect, and resentment, particularly as I chased my aspirations. Sometimes, endings come disguised as transitions; they occur when we outgrow each other. The pain of loss remains the same.
Reflecting on my past, I’ve spent time reconciling my shortcomings. I pursue my dreams relentlessly, believing that hard work pays off. I’ve embraced self-sufficiency, leaning on the inner strength I’ve always possessed. Yet, perhaps it wasn’t a true partnership; I was often too engrossed in writing my next chapter to address the pressing issues that needed our attention. I frequently question whether I received adequate support in that relationship. Do I bear a heavy burden of blame? Without a doubt.
There’s a certain gratitude that comes from recognizing my faults. Accepting where I fell short has been essential. Two individuals came together, and both contributed to the marriage’s downfall. I refuse to engage in the blame game. It’s a futile cycle that leads nowhere. Instead, I focus solely on my healing. After the end comes mourning, and with mourning comes grief, anger, disbelief, and eventually acceptance.
One day, I typed out a question to my ex: “Did you ever feel loved by me?” I hesitated, deleted it, and put my phone down. What difference would it make? But in truth, the answer mattered immensely. It reflected my worth as a partner and lover. I retyped it and hit send.
Six simple words—six words that could define my success or failure in honoring the vows I made so long ago. A “no” would prompt deep introspection about how I expressed love and the way I communicated affection. Understanding his answer would guide me on whether I needed to change my approach to love.
I knew my own truth: I never felt loved. It felt like a relentless pursuit, akin to chasing a mirage of affection. Despite having a family, a home, and what appeared to be a loving relationship, my inner self felt hollow. Did I have an inkling of this before saying “I do”? Yes, but I foolishly hoped that love would magically align. Now, I see the absurdity in waiting for a love that never fully materialized.
Yet, I loved deeply. When my phone buzzed with his response to my question, the answer was “yes.” I stared at that word, absorbing its implications. In divorce, there are no victors—only those left picking up the pieces. Yet, amidst the chaos, I found a semblance of peace, a lifeline as I navigate the uncertainties of my new reality. I discovered my answer.
Even the smallest affirmations can provide closure. He has never apologized for how things ended, nor for the painful days leading up to it. I, however, have taken responsibility for my imperfections. Acknowledging my failures is crucial for my growth. I must admit where I went wrong and strive to improve for the future.
His reply illuminated a vital truth: my power lies solely within myself. I cannot control how others perceive or treat me, but I can nurture my innate gifts. I am capable of love, and I honored that commitment from the very start. I loved wholeheartedly, and when that love fell short, I chose to walk away.
The blame I had heaped onto my own shoulders began to dissipate over the weeks as I embraced his answer. Healing found its way into my fractured heart. I did my best, and while sometimes that may not be enough, I learned that my best must be sufficient for me. There’s no greater power than the one we cultivate within ourselves.
In moments of sadness, when I find myself replaying heartaches, I revisit that text. I remind myself that I did what I could. I shake off the negativity and instead ask, “Do you feel loved by yourself?” This is the only question that truly matters now. If I can extend love to someone who never reciprocated, then surely, I can show myself the same compassion.
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Summary
Healing after a divorce can come from self-reflection and understanding the dynamics of love and partnership. By asking the pivotal question, “Did you ever feel loved by me?” I discovered vital truths about my own worth and the love I truly offered. Embracing my responsibilities and forgiving myself allowed me to move forward, focusing on self-love and acceptance.
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