55 Hilarious Quotes from Andy Dwyer That Shine Brighter Than 5,000 Candles in the Wind

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It’s been five bittersweet years since we bid farewell to the beloved Parks Department and its unforgettable team. While Parks and Recreation concluded in 2015, the witty one-liners from its quirky characters continue to resonate. From Leslie’s (played by Amy Poehler) enthusiastic praise to Jerry’s (Jim O’Heir) endless misadventures, and Tom’s (Aziz Ansari) famous “treat yo’ self” mantra, it’s challenging to determine who brought the most joy. And then there’s Andy Dwyer, whose sweet but goofy nature steals the show.

To celebrate Andy’s unique charm, we’ve compiled a list of his most memorable quotes. Enjoy the wit of Mouse Rat’s leading man, Burt Macklin, FBI, and Johnny Karate!

1. “Windows are like the eyes of a house.”
2. “Leslie, I entered your symptoms into this thing up here, and it suggests you might have connectivity issues.”
3. Andy: “Wow, we’re at Hogwarts!”
   Ben: “Nope, that’s Buckingham Palace.”
4. “I attempted to cook ramen in the coffee maker and ended up breaking everything.”
5. “I remove my shirt because the bad vibes make me feel sweaty.”
6. “Burt Macklin, FBI. The finest agent until I was wrongfully accused of a crime I didn’t commit: stealing the president’s rubies.”
7. “I’ve always dreamed of having a doorman named Ernie. Or Kip. I’m open to options.”
8. “When they say 2% milk, what’s the other 98%?”
9. “You’re the best wife ever. I wish I could marry you again.” (Gasps) “Let’s get divorced!”
10. “I have no clue what I’m doing, but I know I do it exceptionally well.”
11. “I just penned a new song. It’s called ‘Sex Hair.’”
12. “I promise not to spit in anyone’s food unless they specifically ask.”
13. “If you mix up the letters in Peru, you can spell Europe.”
14. Andy: “Aw, babe… you had a crush on me? That’s so awkward.”
    April: “We’re married.” Andy: “Still!”
15. “To think like one of these guys, you have to think like them.”
16. “This tune is titled ‘5,000 Candles in the Wind.’”
17. “What they say sounds nice, but feels sharp. There should be a term for that. Like, nice-y mean-y?”
18. “Just remember, every time you gaze at the moon, I, too, will be looking at it. Just not the same moon; that’s impossible.”
19. Andy: “I’m going to win you a million teddy bears.”
    April: “I want a billion teddy bears.” Andy: “That’s a bit unrealistic.”
20. “By day, Andy Dwyer: shoe shiner. At other times, Andy Radical: possum wrangler. And at night… I do whatever I want. No job.”
21. “I don’t know who Al Gore is, and at this point, I’m too scared to ask.”
22. “Looks like this Siberian Husky is going to be Russian… off to jail.”
23. “Let me express my sincerest apologies, from the bottom of my heart.”
24. “Anything can be a toy if you play with it.”
25. “That’s the coolest sentence I’ve ever heard!”
26. “I know what things are.”
27. “For the last time, Ron, it’s Princess Rainbow Sparkle.”
28. “Did you see that goose fly by the window? Oh, wait, it’s just a plastic bag.”
29. “Everything hurts. Running is impossible.”
30. “I once devoured a Twix bar with the wrapper still on.”
31. “Do I need to tuck in my shirt? Because honestly, that’s a deal breaker.”
32. “Did you know that the food you consume transforms into energy? Boom! That’s spaghetti. Nachos. That’s a cookie.”
33. “Chris gave me this fantastic weekend security job at City Hall. Only one hiccup: it’s a terrible gig. I followed all the rules and walked around the building four times, and only 20 minutes passed. I thought I had been talking for 10 minutes, but it was only 15 seconds.”
34. “5,000 Candles in the Wind” by Andy Dwyer
    [Verse 1] “Up in horsey heaven, here’s the deal, You trade your legs for angels’ wings. And once we’ve all said goodbye, You take a leap and learn to fly.
    [Chorus] Bye bye, Li’l Sebastian, Miss you in the saddest way. Bye bye, Li’l Sebastian, You’re 5,000 candles in the wind.
    [Verse 2] While we miss you every day, We know you’re up there munching on heaven’s hay. And the hardest part is, Humans can’t ride a ghost.
    [Chorus] Bye bye, Li’l Sebastian, Miss you in the saddest way. Bye bye, Li’l Sebastian, You’re 5,000 candles in the wind. Let’s all sing it now!”
35. “I feel right at home as a shoe shiner. I have no clue what I’m doing, but I do it really well.”
36. Andy: (laughs) “Babe, you had a huge crush on me? That’s so embarrassing.”
    April: “We’re married.” Andy: “Still.”
37. “I am Mother Nature’s sibling, Brother Nature. But feel free to call me Andy. Or Brother Nature. Your choice.”
38. “I’m allergic to sushi. If I eat more than 80 pieces, I throw up.”
39. “I’d have been hanging out with a baby.”
40. “Hey folks, remember I told you about a surprise? Well, the surprise is that you’re not really at a dinner party. You’re at our wedding.”
41. “April, you’re the most incredible person I’ve ever known. I vow to protect you from danger. I don’t care if it’s an ultimate fighter, a bear, or even him, your mom; I’d take them down.”
42. “I want to spend the rest of my life, every moment with you. I’m the luckiest guy in the galaxy.”
43. “I don’t know the first thing about taking care of an infant.”
44. “The bad feelings make me feel sweaty.”

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In summary, Andy Dwyer’s quotes embody a unique blend of innocence, humor, and a touch of absurdity that keeps fans entertained long after the show ended. His character reminds us of the joy in simplicity and the importance of laughter in life.