From a Psychologist: It’s Time to Redefine ‘Strength’ in Motherhood

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As a clinical psychologist focusing on maternal anxiety and stress, I’ve seen a surge of worried mothers lately, especially during challenging times like the ongoing pandemic. Many of these moms come to me feeling overwhelmed and express a common sentiment: “I need to be strong for my kids.” This phrase has become a go-to mantra for mothers grappling with fear and uncertainty.

The notion of “maternal strength” often translates into a mindset where emotions like sadness, anxiety, or anger are seen as weaknesses that hinder effective parenting. However, when I ask these mothers how they respond to their children’s distress, they don’t suggest their kids “suck it up.” Instead, they encourage their little ones to express their feelings and process their emotions. So, why should we hold ourselves to a different standard?

Emotional expression is vital for mothers, just as it is for children. We experience a whirlwind of feelings daily—pride, love, frustration, anxiety, and guilt—all intertwined during simple activities like a family dinner or school event. Embracing our emotional complexity, rather than suppressing it, actually enhances our parenting abilities. Ignoring these feelings can lead to an emotional breakdown, making it even more difficult to be the supportive parent we aspire to be.

Here’s how I guide mothers in navigating their emotional landscape:

1. Acknowledge Your Feelings. When you notice feelings of sadness or anxiety creeping in, take a moment to recognize them. Jotting down your thoughts can be beneficial—use your phone’s notes or a mood tracking app to capture your emotions as they arise.
2. Practice Self-Compassion. Allow yourself to be where you are emotionally. This is especially crucial during crises when news can be overwhelming.
3. Plan Your Response. Once you’ve acknowledged your feelings, consider how to cope effectively. This could involve reaching out to a friend for support, taking a break while your kids have some screen time, or even going for a walk to change your scenery. Seeking assistance from a mental health professional can also be an invaluable step.

Interestingly, while some mothers feel comfortable experiencing negative emotions, they often prefer to do so in private—never wanting their children to witness their struggles. While there are times when it’s important to maintain a sense of calm for our kids, displaying a range of emotions can also be a powerful teaching tool. For instance, if you’re afraid of spiders and face that fear, your children learn the value of confronting their own anxieties. Or, if you’re grieving a loss and your children see you cry, they understand that it’s okay to express sorrow.

One emotion worth sharing with your kids is disappointment. Let them know you’re feeling down about missed events or disruptions. This validation helps normalize their feelings, and together, you can brainstorm ways to adapt—like planning a virtual birthday celebration.

Let’s collectively redefine what it means to be a “strong” mom. A strong mother embraces her emotions, recognizes them as signals to take action, and communicates openly with her children about her feelings when appropriate. Accepting and responding to our emotions is the ultimate expression of maternal strength.

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In summary, embracing our feelings as mothers not only strengthens our emotional resilience but also fosters a healthier environment for our children to express themselves.