A few years ago, my children’s elementary school organized a “Donuts with Dad” event for Father’s Day. The intention was heartwarming: invite dads for a morning treat and celebrate their role with donuts and handmade cards. However, this well-meaning idea inadvertently highlighted the absence of my eldest daughter’s father, who is not in the picture.
My kids are accustomed to crafting Father’s Day gifts for their grandfather or a family friend during class projects, but a dedicated event that emphasizes their “difference” from peers lacking a father can be disheartening. Even their friends notice, as my daughter’s close companion expressed concern about her feeling lonely during this event. I reassured him that she would not be alone and pointed out other classmates who would also be without a father present.
No child should have to navigate the emotional difficulty of explaining a missing caregiver, nor should classmates feel uneasy about their friends’ family situations. While fostering connections between home and school is essential, there are far more inclusive ways to recognize all caregivers in students’ lives.
The Pennsylvania Department of Education showcased some insightful alternatives on their Facebook page, suggesting that school events could be more inclusive. They emphasized that while sponsoring events can strengthen school communities, using language that reflects diverse family structures is crucial. Here are a few revised event names: “Breakfast with Buddies,” “Pancakes with Pals,” “Muffins in the Morning,” and “Donuts with Grownups.” Comments suggested options like “Bagels with Buddies” and “Muffins with Mentors,” which further emphasize inclusivity. These new titles avoid specifying parents or grandparents, allowing children to feel comfortable sharing their family dynamics without stigma.
In my family, I serve as a nonbiological, nonbinary caregiver alongside my children’s biological mother. My children, who continue to refer to me as “Mama,” feel free to share that they have two moms, but being labeled as “moms” at a mother-focused event feels limiting. Likewise, as someone who does not identify as a father, events catering solely to dads are equally alienating. Why not adopt inclusive titles that convey openness from the outset? This approach fosters a sense of belonging for everyone, rather than implying exceptions.
It’s important to clarify that my advocacy for more inclusive school events is not solely rooted in LGBTQIA+ concerns. It benefits all children, as family structures can vary widely. Children are raised by same-gender parents, single parents, grandparents, foster parents, and various others. Some may deal with the absence of a parent due to health issues or loss. Events tailored explicitly for “mom and dad” can inadvertently induce feelings of trauma, anxiety, or shame.
Traditional events, like “Daddy-Daughter Dances,” send problematic messages about gender roles and relationships, implying that a girl’s first love must be her father. This can alienate students without a dad or those identifying as nonbinary. By rebranding these gatherings as “Family Dances” or “Party with a Pal,” everyone is welcomed without the fear of being judged.
Rethinking the language we use for school events doesn’t diminish the value of maternal or paternal figures; it enhances the recognition of all family types and the love and support they provide. This shift sends an important message: inclusive learning environments are vital for affirming diversity and nurturing acceptance among students.
My kids take pride in our unique family story, openly sharing details about their sperm donor and half-siblings, yet they still face awkward moments when asked about a father. It’s crucial that schools create an environment where every child feels secure and valued, regardless of their family structure.
If you’re planning a school event, consider making inclusivity a priority—or perhaps rethink hosting the event altogether.
For more insights on this topic, check out this blog post, and for expert advice on family planning, visit Make a Mom and Facts About Fertility.
Summary
Creating inclusive school events means adopting language that embraces all caregivers, not just traditional family structures. By shifting from events like “Donuts with Dad” to titles like “Breakfast with Buddies,” schools can foster a sense of belonging for all students, regardless of their family dynamics. This change not only affirms diversity but also helps children feel seen and appreciated within their school communities.
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