I started drinking when I was just 13. It wasn’t until recently that I recognized I had a problem. It wasn’t necessarily about excessive drinking or legal troubles; the real issue was my inability to cope with my emotions. Whether I was feeling an overwhelming sense of sadness or an intense high, I turned to alcohol to dull the sharpness of those feelings. I thought that if I didn’t numb those experiences, I would be overwhelmed. This approach prevented me from learning how to process my emotions or understand that they would eventually pass. I worried I was teaching my children that certain emotions were unacceptable, and I was reinforcing the idea in my own mind that I couldn’t manage life without alcohol.
With the support of coaches, self-help books, and therapy, I came to realize that my relationship with alcohol was more about psychological dependency than physical addiction. I had been using it as a tool to cope with life’s inevitable ups and downs. Throughout my life, friends and family have described me as intense or overly sensitive, and while I viewed these traits negatively in my youth, they have ultimately contributed to my success as a physician, partner, and parent.
During my teenage years, I struggled to appreciate the positive aspects of my emotional sensitivity. I often felt isolated and sad, and I turned to alcohol and other substances to help me cope with feelings of failure and loss. Ironically, these substances made me feel more sociable and fun, which was a stark contrast to my true self. After much reflection, I decided to stop drinking on February 29, 2020—a leap year day that felt symbolic.
Then, just days later, the World Health Organization declared COVID-19 a pandemic. Quitting alcohol felt insignificant in the face of such a global crisis. Nevertheless, this moment posed a unique challenge for those of us with substance-related issues. Would we succumb to our old habits to numb the anxiety, or would we seize the opportunity to face our emotions head-on, without the crutch of alcohol?
I found myself conflicted. Should I postpone my commitment to sobriety? Surely, this was the worst month to quit drinking, I thought, recalling the film “Airplane!” Or maybe it was the perfect time to stop dulling my senses and isolating myself. With my husband, kids, and pets at home, cut off from the world except through screens, I realized it was vital to embrace the full spectrum of emotions this crisis would bring.
The journey hasn’t been easy. I often feel the urge to drink as friends share images of “quarantinis” and make offers for free beer deliveries. I find myself frustrated that I can’t join in on the rituals that connect us through our shared vices. Yet, I’ve observed that these urges come and go, and I’ve started to change how I interact with my family. Without the fog of morning fatigue, I exercise more and tackle my early tasks with clarity. When my family wakes up, I’m ready for our new normal of working and schooling together, free of a hangover and regret.
In the evenings, we gather to check in with one another. As the day winds down and the uncertainty of the pandemic looms over us, I’ve found that the connection we share, unclouded by alcohol, is what makes these tumultuous times manageable. I’ve learned that I don’t need a drink to navigate my emotions; I just need my family.
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Summary:
The author reflects on their journey of quitting alcohol just before the COVID-19 pandemic began, exploring the emotional challenges and realizations that arose from this decision. The pandemic served as a catalyst for deeper family connections and emotional processing, demonstrating that sobriety can provide clarity and strength during difficult times.
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