Updated: April 17, 2020
Originally Published: April 17, 2020
If you’re a mom, you’ve likely chuckled at the viral clips of fellow mothers navigating the chaos of home life with their kids. In my frequent chats with friends—sharing our struggles, calming each other down, and debating how much wine is justifiable—I often hear the same reassuring message: “You’ve got this, mama” (usually accompanied by a bicep emoji). While this camaraderie has been a silver lining during these turbulent times, I keep circling back to a fundamental question: Where are the dads?
I know exactly where my partner is. Right now, as I type this on my phone while assisting my toddler with her dolls, he’s settled comfortably at his work desk, continuing his routine as if nothing has changed.
To be fair, I took a leave of absence from my full-time job just before the world went into lockdown. Why? In my quest to “do it all” (balancing a full-time job, writing, and parenting), I began to experience a slew of health issues: insomnia, anxiety, and panic attacks that left me overwhelmed. My doctor finally said, “You need to take a break.”
I was scheduled to return to work from home this week, but I’ve realized that juggling work and parenting is impossible given our current household dynamic—a dynamic that has become painfully clear during this crisis. Strangely enough, I’ve found myself bending over backward to accommodate my husband’s career, essentially becoming the wife who “handles everything” to allow him to focus on his job.
Let me clarify: My husband isn’t a bad guy. He’s not lazy; he cleans obsessively, tackles the dishes, and changes diapers—though not nearly as many as I do (but who’s counting? Oh right, I am). Just the other day, I walked in on him trimming our daughter’s nails, and I was genuinely impressed.
So yes, he does contribute. But it’s far from a fair split.
In the last two weeks, I’ve taken on about 71% of the childcare, leaving him with a mere 29%. I can track this so accurately because I handle nearly everything for our daughter, except for a few hours of respite in the afternoon (my friend exclaimed, “You get TWO HOURS?!” as if suggesting I take time for myself was radical). While I acknowledge that being on leave (a privilege, I realize) means I should take on more childcare, I suspect the ratio wouldn’t change much even if I went back to work. My husband would remain glued to his laptop, while I would again be the one bending and contorting, likely worsening the health issues that led me to step away in the first place.
Despite my leading role in childcare during this pandemic, I often find myself convincing others—and even myself—that my husband is equally involved. I recently shared a photo of him holding a bunch of dolls captioned, “Dad-ing so hard.” The truth? He was merely transporting them because I couldn’t manage both our daughter and the dolls. After that, he went back to work for nine hours.
The reason I don’t speak the complete truth is that I desperately want to believe we have an equal partnership. It’s what I was led to expect in this era of female empowerment. Admitting otherwise feels like a personal failure—like I’m letting down the feminist ideals I grew up with.
In previous generations, the roles were clear: women did the housework and childcare, while men brought home the paycheck. When women were empowered to earn their own livings, the narrative shifted, but not entirely. We were told girls could achieve anything boys could, yet no one mentioned that boys should also step up in the domestic sphere. This has left women to shoulder the burden of “doing it all,” often resulting in a range of health issues.
In many ways, our generation has allowed men to get away with less than equal partnerships because we haven’t demanded them. We make all sorts of excuses: “He’s just not wired for childcare like I am.” We wear our struggles like badges: “I’m just better at it.” Men are often more than happy to accept this narrative: “Wow, babe, you’ve got everything handled!” We raise our fists in solidarity: “Women should rule the world!” But if women are to lead, men need to better support them.
I don’t think all husbands are bad. Some are, but many are just caught in a system that predates our existence. They may genuinely believe that “mother knows best” and lack confidence as fathers, leading to a cycle where women step up and men recede.
When I brought this issue to my husband’s attention, he looked at me as though I were speaking another language. When I shared how overwhelmed I felt, he suggested I read time management books. Seriously.
He often claims, “I do more than most men,” to which I respond, “That’s nice, but it’s still not 50/50.” When he insists it is, I find it hard to counter that belief. It’s convenient for him to think so, and I suspect he’ll cling to that narrative as tightly as our daughter holds onto her favorite toys.
It’s no surprise that divorce rates are climbing during this time. I wonder if childcare conflicts are a contributing factor. Most divorces are initiated by women, many citing unfair labor divisions as a reason. Women are under immense pressure, often taking on the primary parenting role even when their husbands are present, all while balancing their own jobs. Combine that with the stress of a global pandemic, and it’s a recipe for disaster.
Dr. Lisa Chang, a psychologist and good friend, put it succinctly: “Most couples are not accustomed to spending this much time together and may have relied on other coping mechanisms—like gym time or outings with friends—to navigate their relationship. With no guidebook to parenting during a pandemic, couples are figuring it out as they go, hoping not to crash.”
To all those I’ve misled on social media, here’s the reality of our quarantine life: My husband, daughter, and I rarely spend quality time together as a family. I put in my eight-hour shift, he works for 2-3 hours, and then we have a brief “together time,” which typically involves me cooking, our daughter feeding her dolls imaginary food, and him playing on his phone. Just recently, he remarked, “She’s been so easy lately!” It’s easy to say that when you’re not the one doing the bulk of the work.
I felt compelled to extend my leave to maintain my sanity—and potentially my marriage. My husband believes we could manage if I worked, but it’s easy for him to be optimistic when he’s distanced from the majority of childcare duties. I worry that staying home will jeopardize my career in the long run. Corporate America is quick to sideline women who prioritize family, but even harsher on men who dare to do so. It’s not that I think his job is more valuable; it’s just that I don’t see childcare dynamics shifting anytime soon, so I must prioritize everyone’s sanity. I guess I’m letting the status quo win—for now.
Let’s just hope I don’t catch anything. I’m usually the one who gets sick (#motherhood). If I do, and I’m bedridden, our household responsibilities will spiral out of control. And that would be a whole other essay.
Summary:
In a candid reflection, Jenna Parker shares her struggles with unequal childcare responsibilities in her household, highlighting the disconnect often found in modern parenting dynamics. Despite both partners working, she feels overwhelmed by the majority of childcare demands, leading to stress and health issues. This imbalance, coupled with the pressures of the pandemic, raises questions about the societal norms surrounding gender roles in parenting. The piece emphasizes the need for open communication and equal distribution of responsibilities to foster healthier family dynamics.
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