Even before the onset of the COVID-19 pandemic, many mothers of my generation wrestled with feelings of mom guilt. As we embarked on our parenting journeys, social media was rapidly becoming a fixture in our lives. The launch of Pinterest coincided with my first child’s birth, and platforms like Facebook and Instagram bombarded us with unrealistic portrayals of motherhood. I found myself trying to conform to an idealized image of what being a mother should entail.
After several years and the arrival of more children, I managed to break free from the toxic cycle of comparing myself to others on social media. My value as a mom is no longer dictated by what other parents are doing, what my kids eat, or even my disdain for pretend play. Instead, I focus on one crucial question: “Do my children feel loved?” And I can confidently say “Yes.”
Yet, in recent weeks, the familiar specter of mom guilt has resurfaced. Being a mother to young kids amidst a pandemic is challenging enough, but the heightened pressure of “corona guilt” complicates matters further.
As schools closed, social media exploded with color-coded schedules advising parents on how to structure their newfound time at home. I found myself skimming through these neatly organized hour-long blocks, searching for mentions of: “Prevent the ten-month-old from discovering that tiny choking hazard you overlooked,” “Siblings bickering,” or “What to do when everyone is suddenly hungry again.” The sense of defeat washed over me even before quarantine began. On top of feeling inadequate, I felt guilty for being frustrated with my healthy children.
Mom guilt arises from our desire to give our kids the best. We pressure ourselves to savor every moment, which paradoxically makes it harder to genuinely enjoy motherhood. We often think, “If we don’t dedicate all our time and energy to them, what will happen when they grow up?” And in the unspoken silence, we wonder, “What if one of them dies? Will I regret not playing with them enough?”
I get it. Nearly two years ago, I faced the unthinkable when we lost our vibrant three-year-old son, Noah, in a tragic accident. As I work through my grief, his death has transformed my understanding of life and motherhood.
Would I trade anything to return to that dreadful night and alter our fate? Absolutely. If only it were that simple. But life doesn’t work that way.
Noah knew love; his life was filled with joy, and I refuse to let regret overshadow that. I confronted a parent’s worst nightmare, and it became clear that my mom guilt is unjustified. His life was rich with love, and that love wasn’t diminished by the fact that I allowed him to watch TV. It just isn’t. Period.
I’ve learned that the essence of childhood lies in the love it receives. If they know they are cherished, everything else will fall into place. That’s the secret.
Yet, during these last few weeks, the layers of corona guilt have been overwhelming. Well-meaning comments from those without young children at home only added to my frustration. Suggestions like “Play a board game!” can be maddening. My kids are out of school for months. We can’t visit playgrounds, libraries, or even have playdates. Their familiar lives were snatched away overnight. This isn’t just a day off; it’s a complete upheaval. Even if we play a game, there are still 23 hours left in the day.
Despite the chaos, there have been moments of calm and purpose. I’m determined to find meaning in this bizarre situation. I treasure my time with my kids, knowing that the alternative is something I’d never wish to experience. However, it’s completely normal for parents to feel overwhelmed. Admitting that we feel defeated is not a sign of selfishness; it’s a testament to how much we pour into our children. Why should we feel ashamed of our exhaustion and frustration?
The physical demands of raising young children are taxing enough, but the mental weight can be even more draining. The constant influx of COVID-19 news, coupled with worries about my husband, who is a healthcare worker, adds to the chaos. What if he gets sick? Who will protect my children then? And amid these fears, there are constant interruptions from my kids. Most parents can relate to living life in two-minute increments while juggling snack requests, laundry, and the new responsibility of homeschooling. Completing even simple tasks feels impossible at times.
When I consider the endless days ahead, it’s easy to panic about health and security. This period is tough enough without the added burden of mom guilt.
Mom guilt isn’t helpful; it drains my already limited mental energy. So, I’m working to rid myself of it. Whenever it creeps in, I mentally brush it aside. If someone—either in real life or on social media—triggers my mom guilt, I simply unfollow or mute them. I’m grateful for my supportive circle of friends who keep me uplifted and candidly share their own struggles.
Over the course of 11 years of parenting, I’ve discovered what resonates with me: reading with my kids, spending time outdoors, and crafting together. I prioritize activities that fulfill me as a mom, knowing that what works for one parent may not work for another.
I’ve also come to realize what doesn’t work for me. After several years, I accepted that I simply do not enjoy pretend play. Tea parties, playing with dolls, or pretending to be a fairy just aren’t my thing. Cooking or baking with my kids tests my patience, so I steer clear of those activities and guide them toward things that don’t drain my energy as quickly.
This doesn’t mean I’m not grateful for my children or our home. I will never take my kids’ health for granted. I’d give anything to have all my children with me during this quarantine. Just because I sometimes lose my patience or yearn for a moment of quiet doesn’t diminish my love for them.
As I navigate the grief of losing a child, I’ve learned that sadness and happiness can coexist. I can find joy in parenting while also feeling frustrated. We can love our kids wholeheartedly while also craving a little solitude and a tidy kitchen.
I refuse to expend any more energy on the toxic cycle of mom guilt. At night, I won’t promise myself that “I made mistakes today, but tomorrow will be perfect.” Because it won’t be. Perfection is not the goal. Instead, I’m focusing on what works for my family and my unique circumstances—not on unrealistic expectations or the curated highlights of others on social media.
Of course, mom guilt is nowhere near the most significant issue we face during this pandemic. I understand real tragedy and am not suggesting our feelings are on par with concerns about health, finances, or the loss of loved ones.
However, mom guilt is real, and it serves no productive purpose for us or our children. Our mental energy is finite, and it’s better spent on things that truly matter rather than toxic comparisons about who’s handling quarantine better.
In times of uncertainty, we often find ourselves grappling with things beyond our control. But we can choose to break the cycle of mom guilt. If your kids are watching TV while you take a moment to breathe, read, or scroll through your phone, that’s okay. Society’s pressures don’t dictate that we can’t be both a person and a mom.
If you have older kids, please refrain from offering unsolicited advice about how to spend this time with little ones at home. Even if you have good intentions, comments like “Enjoy every moment” can be unhelpful. Instead, validation and encouragement can work wonders for an exhausted mom’s heart.
Let’s acknowledge our collective grief during this crisis. Let’s support each other and push mom guilt to the side. Stop worrying that one day you’ll look back and regret not savoring every second. Promise your future self that you won’t let unfair nostalgia judge your past experiences.
Love your kids, spend quality time with them (but not every waking moment), and everything else will fall into place.
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Summary
This article explores the challenges of parenting during the COVID-19 pandemic and the pervasive feelings of mom guilt that often accompany it. The author reflects on personal experiences, emphasizing the need to prioritize love and connection with children over unrealistic expectations. Through candid insights, the piece encourages parents to reject mom guilt and support one another during these uncertain times.
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