My daughter’s wails pierced the air, reaching a crescendo that could shake the foundation of our house. Since the start of our self-quarantine, she had been on her bicycle daily, and today was no different despite the downpour drenching our yard. As torrents of rain pummeled the ground and gusts of wind toppled our outdoor chairs, I sighed and calmly explained, “It’s probably too slippery for biking today, sweetheart.”
Tears streamed down her cheeks as she begged for just a quick ride. I knew she wouldn’t easily relent. Weighing the risks in my mind, I considered her well-fitted helmet and training wheels, and I realized the chances of a serious injury were minimal. Besides, my daughter despises being wet and cold, so I anticipated her determination wouldn’t last long in these conditions. She had made it her mission to find out, “Can I realistically bike ride in the rain?”
The internal struggle of forcing my four-year-old indoors seemed far worse than allowing her to face the natural consequences of her actions. I took a deep breath, warned her about the potential outcomes of biking in the rain, and reluctantly strapped on her pint-sized helmet. This was my opportunity to let her explore real-life consequences, and she was more than ready for the challenge.
After about five minutes, her once-bright smile began to fade as she trudged back to our driveway, soaked and visibly upset. She had only gone a half-block before realizing that the weather had won. When she reached me, more tears rolled down her cheeks. I knelt to her level and held her close. “It was too wet to ride,” she sobbed.
I didn’t utter the dreaded “I told you so.” Instead, I simply said, “I know, sweetheart. I’m sorry it’s too rainy to bike today.”
While this might seem like an ordinary day in parenting, for me, it felt like a significant achievement. I had let my strong-willed daughter take a calculated risk, explained the natural consequences she might face, and supported her through the disappointment of not getting what she wanted. Surprisingly, she quickly moved on to another activity, and the rest of the day turned out to be delightful.
Describing my child as “spirited” barely scratches the surface. With a fiery personality, she’s been racing through life since she took her first steps, her curiosity boundless. I knew before becoming a parent that traditional disciplinary methods weren’t for me. I was never a fan of time-outs or punishments, and the idea of spanking filled me with dread from my own childhood experiences. I aimed to nurture my children’s individuality and emotional connection rather than stifling their vibrant spirits.
A kind-hearted friend introduced me to the ideas of parenting educator Janet Lansbury, whose philosophy on allowing children to experience natural consequences resonated deeply with me. Lansbury, a student of Magda Gerber, emphasizes the importance of letting children learn from life’s lessons instead of enforcing compliance through punitive measures. This approach spoke directly to my heart, enabling me to foster my daughter’s self-trust while guiding her exuberance.
Although much of Lansbury’s guidance addresses toddlers, I believe it is also incredibly beneficial for parents of adolescents and teens. She states, “A toddler learns discipline best when he experiences natural consequences for his behavior, rather than a disconnected punishment like a time-out.” For instance, if a child throws food, that meal effectively ends; if they refuse to dress, the park visit is canceled. These responses appeal to a child’s sense of fairness, even if they still react negatively. They feel neither manipulated nor ashamed.
Since adopting this “natural consequences” parenting style, my daughter has learned a great deal about cause and effect. She now understands that if she runs outside without a coat in winter, she might become too cold to continue playing. She also grasps that once she devours the last popsicle, there won’t be any more left. By hugging her little brother too tightly, she has learned that he might scream to be let go. Furthermore, she realizes that if she struggles to listen at home, outings to the playground or store may be off the table. Most importantly, I provide her with explanations that help her grasp the reasons behind these outcomes without dimming her spirited light.
As exhausting as parenting can be, I’ve found that this approach has fostered a little girl who dreams big, cares deeply, and gets back up whenever she falls. She articulates her feelings, bravely speaks the truth when lying would be easier, and finds creative solutions to challenges. In essence, she has learned to navigate life’s ebbs and flows with love and independence.
Do I always adhere to this “natural consequences” guideline? Naturally not. I am human, like my daughter, and I remind her of this often. On particularly trying days, I might impulsively declare, “I’m throwing out all your toys!” or argue over why she won’t listen to me. I also practice common sense, refraining from allowing extreme natural consequences like jumping off the roof or running into the street.
For me, this parenting style serves as a compass, guiding me back to what truly matters. I would never want to compromise my child’s sense of safety or trust, so I ensure she learns valuable lessons within secure boundaries. This approach has transformed me into a steady anchor as she navigates the turbulent waters of her young life.
Combining natural consequences with a nurturing touch has proven incredibly effective. When she experiences heartbreak after her fearless attempts at trial and error, I lower myself to her level, offering connection and empathy. I acknowledge her feelings, clarify any necessary boundaries, and help her process her emotions.
Every time I take this approach, I am reminded of Lansbury’s insightful words: “Children may need to express anger, frustration, confusion, exhaustion, and disappointment, especially if they don’t get what they want because we’ve set a limit.” This sentiment resonates with me as an adult too. None of us enjoy feeling shamed or scared when we fail. Instead, we all wish to experience life with the assurance that we are safe to express our emotions. Therefore, I treat my daughter as I hope to be treated during my own missteps.
Through raising my daughter with natural consequences, I’ve learned invaluable lessons. Perhaps most importantly, I’ve discovered that children can stumble without needing to be punished. They can cultivate their intuition while balancing the needs of others. Allowing life to be a teacher as much as we are can only benefit everyone involved.
For those interested in home insemination, you can find useful insights in this related post. Additionally, check out Cryobaby for a reliable source on artificial insemination kits, and for more information on in vitro fertilization, refer to this excellent resource.
In conclusion, parenting through natural consequences has allowed my spirited child to thrive, learn, and develop resilience while fostering a strong bond between us.
Leave a Reply