Despite meticulously adhering to all recommended safety measures, I find myself overwhelmed with anxiety about contracting COVID-19. My family and I have been isolating ourselves for two months; my children have not set foot in a public space during this time, and it’s been over a month since I last did. My husband, who is still required to work, serves as our sole grocery shopper. He follows a strict protocol: he disinfects the shopping cart handle, uses hand sanitizer, and wears a multi-layered mask. He even removes his glasses to avoid touching his face.
When we occasionally order takeout, we opt for no-contact delivery and tip generously. After receiving the food, I transfer it to our own plates, discard the packaging in an outdoor trash can, and thoroughly disinfect the surface before we eat. I also leave packages outside for a full day, wiping them down before bringing them inside.
We haven’t hosted visitors, not even family. When my father and stepfather dropped off essential supplies, they stayed on the porch while the kids talked to them from the window. It was heart-wrenching to see my children share their toys and pictures through the screen.
We haven’t set foot in anyone’s home or allowed our children to socialize with other kids in the neighborhood. My social interactions have been limited to video calls with friends, and I even learned how to cut my husband’s hair myself.
Despite my efforts to remain vigilant, my fear and anxiety about contracting COVID-19 persist. I have a pre-existing anxiety disorder that is generally manageable, but I recognize that my inclination towards anxiety is compounding my fears surrounding this virus. However, my concerns are not merely a byproduct of my mental health; they are reasonable given the gravity of the situation.
This virus is new, and much remains unknown about its long-term effects. While many experience mild symptoms, others suffer significantly, and the potential for severe outcomes is real. I hope that if my family contracts this virus, we will navigate it with mild symptoms and recover at home, but my mind frequently wanders to darker possibilities.
Naturally, I fear the loss of life, whether it be my own or that of a loved one. Certain groups, like the elderly and immunocompromised, are especially at risk, and while I understand the statistics suggest a higher likelihood of survival, the thought of my family facing serious illness keeps me up at night.
I dread the idea of being in an ICU, possibly alone for weeks on end. My husband serves in the military and is currently involved in COVID response efforts, which means he would still need to work if I were hospitalized. The reality is, I don’t know who would care for my children during that time. I lack the support system necessary to ensure they are cared for as I recover.
As a stay-at-home parent, I handle much of the daily responsibilities that keep our family running smoothly. My husband is wonderful, but he’s not familiar with the minutiae of our routine. My son, who is four and has asthma, relies on me to recognize when he’s in distress; would someone else notice the subtle changes that indicate he needs immediate medical attention?
My youngest is just four months old and breastfed; a severe illness could disrupt our nursing relationship, which would be heartbreaking for both of us. My seven-year-old is the only one who could grasp the seriousness of the situation, and I worry about the anxiety he would feel if I were hospitalized. His nature is to worry, and the thought of him enduring that fear is unbearable.
I could go on, but the truth is that even though many recover without lasting effects, there is no easy way to experience COVID-19. I’m not ready to face this virus until there are proven treatments, cures, or vaccines. I know my fear won’t last forever; as science advances, I will likely feel some relief. But for now, I am terrified.
This is why I am taking every precaution possible. I refuse to go out unnecessarily and allow myself to deeply miss my loved ones for a little longer. My children and I are staying home, even as cabin fever sets in. I’m doing everything I can to keep our family safe, and I hope that it’s enough.
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Summary: The author shares her experience of adhering to safety protocols during the COVID-19 pandemic while grappling with anxiety about the potential health risks to her family. Despite taking all necessary precautions, the fear of illness, hospitalization, and the impact on her children weighs heavily on her. She expresses hope for future solutions while emphasizing her commitment to keeping her family safe.
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