A few months ago, while putting my four-year-old daughter, Lily, to bed, I noticed her fidgeting under her blanket. She looked at me, her expression a mix of confusion and curiosity, and then she exclaimed something I certainly wasn’t prepared for that evening.
“Mommy, I don’t like my ‘nose’ down there! It feels so weird!” she said, her little nose scrunched in distaste.
Naturally, I was taken aback. What nose?! I quickly suppressed the giggles trying to escape and calmly asked, “What nose, sweetheart?”
To my surprise, she pointed at the top of her vagina, declaring, “This nose!!!”
Taking a deep breath, I reminded myself that honesty is key, even when faced with unexpected questions. “That’s not a nose, Lily,” I replied. “It may feel like it, but it’s called your clitoris.”
Her eyes widened with amazement at learning about a new body part. I reassured her that it’s a normal part of a girl’s body, just like her arms and legs. When I shared that I also have a clitoris, she was astonished. I explained that it can feel good to touch and that it’s perfectly fine to be curious about it. I also emphasized that like her vagina, the clitoris is a private part of her body, and I’m always here for her questions. She simply rolled over and fell asleep, seemingly satisfied.
This incident is just one of many humorous and enlightening moments I’ve experienced as a parent committed to raising my children in a sex-positive household.
I distinctly remember when I made the decision to foster open conversations about bodies with my kids. During my first pregnancy, my ten-year-old stepson, Jake, approached me with a question about what a period is. After getting the green light from his dad and mom, we had an awkward yet enlightening discussion.
That initial conversation with Jake blossomed into a summer filled with discussions about puberty, body image, sexual identity, and consent. By the time he transitioned to middle school, he felt confident in his understanding of his body and knew he could approach me without fear of judgment.
From that moment, I aimed to build the same open relationship with my children. Now, my daughter Lily asks questions about her body with the same ease she expresses her love for being a superhero. My son, who is just 18 months old, twirls in dresses and marvels at his own body with innocent curiosity. They know about my relationship with their father, and they understand the basics of childbirth, whether vaginal or through a C-section. When I have my period, Lily eagerly wants to wear pads like her mom and proudly announces to the family that she has her period too.
In our home, we refer to body parts by their correct names. I believe my children should never feel ashamed or afraid to learn about their bodies. Hence, vaginas are called vaginas, penises are called penises, and clitorises are called clitorises.
When the time comes for my children to explore topics like masturbation and sex, I will approach those conversations with respect and understanding. They will learn that self-exploration is a natural part of growing up. I’ve started reading empowering literature to Lily, instilling in her that she is the authority over her own body and teaching her how to advocate for her safety. Just yesterday, she memorized a list of trusted adults she can talk to if she ever feels uncomfortable.
Moreover, my children observe their parents modeling self-love and acceptance daily. They witness us expressing affection and addressing challenges together. We consistently reassure them that we will support them regardless of their attractions or identities. As long as we can, my partner and I will maintain an open dialogue about sex, body autonomy, and physical changes in a safe and judgement-free environment.
Ultimately, my greatest hope is for my children to embrace their bodies as powerful instruments. They will always have a mother who exemplifies making choices rooted in self-worth. They will always feel safe to express themselves, even when the conversation delves into uncomfortable territories. Thanks to that memorable bedtime exchange, I’ll always chuckle at Lily’s innocent discovery of her “second nose.”
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