Recently, I experienced the loss of my cherished grandfather, who was 96 years old and had been living in a care facility for several years. His obituary requested that safety protocols be observed for those at risk. However, knowing my family, I was all too aware that they wouldn’t adhere to these guidelines. Therefore, out of concern for COVID-19, we chose not to attend his funeral.
My grandfather’s passing was not entirely unexpected. He had been battling mild dementia, relied on a walker he despised, and was feeling down, especially since COVID-19 restricted family visits. We had missed seeing him, but it had been quite a while.
Concerns About Safety
When the pandemic first hit, my husband studied the rising case numbers and realized it was going to be a lengthy ordeal. We offered my mother a place to stay with us, but she declined. On a separate occasion, when she brought over some soup, I asked her to follow basic social distancing measures, and she dismissed my request as unnecessary. She even misled us about meeting friends without following safety protocols—all while we thought she was maintaining strict isolation.
After my husband confronted her about these breaches, she reacted angrily, despite his calm demeanor. He explained that we’d like to see her again in two weeks if she quarantined, and he urged her to connect with us over Zoom. Yet, we haven’t heard from her since, even though we reached out multiple times. Social media revealed her enjoying beach outings without masks or social distancing.
The Reality of the Funeral
I genuinely believed that COVID-19 safety measures would not be followed during the funeral. There would surely be hugging, people getting uncomfortably close, and masks worn incorrectly. The thought of confronting family members about social distancing was daunting. I could easily envision myself having to shout at friends of my grandfather to maintain distance, all while wanting to express my love for them.
The Uncertainty of Safety in Religious Settings
My grandfather was a devout Catholic, and a funeral would involve a Mass, complete with the distribution of Communion. The idea of one priest touching the same wafers that multiple people would then handle—while also removing masks to partake—was unsettling. As noted by Carlos del Rio, an infectious disease expert, churches are prime environments for virus transmission, often leading to superspreader events.
Lines and Hugs
Funerals also involve numerous lines, from paying respects to receiving condolences. Each of these interactions poses a risk, especially with the expectation of hugs and handshakes. The pressure to conform to family traditions weighed heavily on me, especially when I thought about the risk of contracting COVID-19 at such an event.
In the end, we made the difficult decision to skip my grandfather’s funeral. I know my family might think my absence is unfounded, given that I hadn’t seen him prior to his passing. However, I stand firm in my commitment to safety protocols, even if it means facing their judgment. The pandemic’s numbers are escalating, and both my husband and I are high-risk.
It was heartbreaking to miss such an important occasion, but sometimes, the risk isn’t worth the potential consequences.
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In summary, the decision to skip my grandfather’s funeral stemmed from a deep concern for COVID-19 safety, especially given my family’s disregard for health protocols. While it was a painful choice, prioritizing health was ultimately necessary.
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