Throughout my pregnancies, I frequently encountered the phrase, “As long as he’s healthy.” This common expression, often uttered by acquaintances or strangers, has become something I truly detest.
Our interactions typically unfolded like this:
Them: “Oh! (noticing my baby bump) When is your due date?”
Me: “In June.”
Them: “Do you know the gender?”
Me: “It’s a boy.”
Them: “How wonderful! Well, none of that matters, as long as he’s healthy!”
This made me question why such a statement is so prevalent. Is it really necessary to emphasize the obvious? Naturally, I wished for my baby’s health! Like any expectant mother, I took my prenatal vitamins, attended regular doctor visits, and adhered to guidelines (no alcohol, no raw foods, etc.). Was this statement a way to invoke good health for my unborn child, similar to knocking on wood? By concluding conversations with “As long as he’s healthy!” were we somehow lowering the risk of complications? Because after all, anything less than a healthy pregnancy is considered unfortunate, right?
My anxiety heightened with each pregnancy, especially after experiencing a miscarriage during my first. I didn’t even know the term back then, but my firstborn is what’s known as a rainbow baby—a child born after a loss. Hearing “As long as he’s healthy” was a painful reminder of my previous grief, highlighting my protective instincts and the reality of my lack of control.
My second pregnancy started off well, but I soon discovered that my newborn faced numerous challenges. I had unknowingly contracted Cytomegalovirus (CMV) during my pregnancy. It wasn’t until a troubling ultrasound that I realized something was amiss. My son was born with health issues that required medication and ongoing support. The virus had caused brain damage, leaving his future development uncertain. I was heartbroken.
Despite our best efforts, life doesn’t always unfold as we plan. Children can be born with unique needs, and the question becomes: how do we cope and move forward? I felt an overwhelming mix of guilt and sadness for my son’s struggles. I was ashamed to face friends and family, unsure of how to share our reality or reconcile my previous expectations with our new path.
In those early years, I craved support more than ever. My mind was filled with overwhelming details regarding my son’s care. I hesitated to share my thoughts with friends, fearing I’d burden them and strain our relationships. Juggling intense emotions while caring for a toddler and a newborn pushed me to keep moving forward. What choice did I have?
Today, my son is eight years old and an incredible child. Although he remains fully dependent, I have mostly reconciled my feelings about his birth and the shifts in our lives. I’ve learned to advocate for both his needs and my own, understanding that how I interact with him sets an example for others. I also prioritize self-care and take breaks when necessary.
I have become open about my experiences, which has fostered deeper connections. Friends I never expected have approached me with their children’s diagnoses—one confided about her daughter’s dyslexia, another shared her son’s ADD diagnosis, and a third reached out after her son was born with brain damage and sadly passed away.
I hope they trust me because I’ve navigated challenging situations and can relate without judgment. But why must such journeys feel so taboo?
While I’ve largely moved past the guilt and sadness, hearing “as long as he’s healthy” can still trigger those old feelings. It makes me want to ask, “What if he’s not? What if life is a series of experiences that don’t always go as planned? Will that be okay too?” It must be. Otherwise, how do we continue? Pregnancy and motherhood can often be beyond our control, and how we handle those moments is what truly matters.
If you’re interested in further insights on this topic, check out this related post on home insemination. For more information on artificial insemination, visit Make A Mom, a trusted source. Additionally, for support regarding female infertility, Drugs.com provides excellent resources.
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