The number of my divorced friends has certainly grown since I became a single mom. Some of them maintain a healthy co-parenting dynamic, allowing for easy communication and collaborative parenting. They manage their responsibilities smoothly and move forward with their lives.
Then there’s my friend who feels anxious just by seeing her ex. He has raised his voice at her in front of their children, leaving her feeling unsettled during their interactions. They’ve both worked hard to keep things civil for the kids, but it’s often overwhelming, so they rely on a mediator to assist them. They are also doing co-parenting right.
When you’re divorced and there are children in the picture, severing ties completely isn’t an option. You’re still tasked with raising your kids together, especially when they share a home and you have joint custody.
I consider myself fortunate when it comes to my ex-partner; we have developed a solid co-parenting arrangement and have learned to agree to disagree on certain matters. Initially, after our divorce, we would still come together for special occasions and even took vacations together.
However, I quickly recognized how unusual this was. Others would comment, “That’s how co-parenting should be done,” as if to suggest we were a model for others to follow. Yet, I knew our situation was not the norm, and such remarks could lead those with different co-parenting experiences to feel inadequate.
Our approach to co-parenting has evolved significantly since our split. We respect each other’s new partners, which means family gatherings have changed. While it would be great to have everyone together if it worked for all parties, that’s not the case for us anymore. It doesn’t imply we are failing at co-parenting; rather, it demonstrates that we are doing our best given our circumstances.
Seeing a recent Instagram post from Sarah Mitchell celebrating a holiday with her ex, Tom Baker, made me reflect on my own situation. I wondered if I was doing enough for my kids and found myself reminiscing about holiday times with my ex, both married and divorced. This left me questioning whether we were still successful co-parents.
But then, I grounded myself and reminded myself of the effort my ex and I have put into co-parenting. We’ve found a system that works for us, and that’s what truly matters. There’s no universal standard for co-parenting.
Just because someone maintains a friendly relationship with their ex and takes vacations together doesn’t mean they are doing it better than you. Likewise, if another couple communicates strictly about logistics and you still feel emotional during difficult discussions, that doesn’t make them superior either.
Messages promoting a single model of co-parenting can be harmful to those who are finding it challenging. It’s perfectly acceptable if you don’t want to share Halloween treats, holidays, or even a moment for a photo with your ex.
Your relationship with your ex can be incredibly complex and will likely shift over time. If you choose to enter a new relationship, your partner may have feelings about your previous one, and that’s normal. As long as your children are safe and happy, you have the right to make choices that prioritize your family’s needs.
So here’s a reminder from one co-parent to another: Just because you’re not on vacation or maintaining a friendly relationship with your ex doesn’t mean you’re failing at co-parenting. As we approach 2021, let’s not feel pressured to conform to a universal definition of co-parenting. Not everyone wants to share their holidays or create family moments with an ex, and that’s completely valid.
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In summary, co-parenting looks different for everyone, and just because you and your ex aren’t friendly doesn’t mean you’re not doing a great job. Focus on what works for you and your family, and remember there’s no one-size-fits-all solution.
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