Every time people discover that I have four children and that I educate them at home in both Chinese and English, they often refer to me as “Super Mom” or seek my parenting advice—almost as if having multiple kids grants me some magical insight or expertise. I try to clarify that I actually consider myself a subpar parent, but they persist, claiming I’m simply being modest.
Let me be clear: I’m not being modest at all. I wish I were. I genuinely wish I could downplay my parenting shortcomings, but the truth is, I practice a style of parenting known as benign neglect. When I mention that I hardly see my children and spend much of my time lounging in bed, typing away on my laptop and indulging in my obsession with the K-pop group BTS, I’m being completely honest.
Even during these pandemic times, my approach hasn’t changed. Now, I want to clarify that I’m not trivializing actual neglect—that is, of course, child abuse. My kids have a safe home, are well-fed, clothed, and reasonably clean (well, sort of). They might not be getting the most comprehensive education right now, but let’s face it: 2020 has left many children in a similar situation. Thankfully, their dad, my patient partner, is around to provide some adult supervision.
My oldest will soon turn eleven, and my youngest is just four, so I feel I’ve put in my time. I’ve done the breastfeeding, cloth diapering, and homemade organic baby food thing. I took them to the park every day and enrolled them in years of Mandarin mommy-and-me classes. My older kids participated in so many activities that I was constantly driving them to various lessons and events.
Yet, I believe this has made my youngest child incredibly resourceful. He learned to microwave frozen chicken nuggets at just three and a half! It’s no small feat for a little one to open the freezer, find a plate, and reach the microwave. (He even ate them frozen for a while until he figured out how to use a stool. You can imagine the proud tears I shed!)
Isn’t the ultimate goal of parenting to nurture independent individuals who can handle life’s challenges rather than struggle when they finally leave the comfort of home? If necessity is the mother of invention, then my refusal to do everything for my kids is, in fact, teaching them essential life skills. You cannot convince me otherwise.
And let’s not forget: my children (including my seven-year-old) can do laundry, change their sheets, put away groceries, wash dishes, take out the trash, sort mail, and cook! I’m thrilled to report that I haven’t cooked for them in months.
You see, they detest my cooking, which stings a bit, considering the minimal effort I put in. I actually know how to cook quite well—but why waste my skills on such ungrateful diners? My husband simply says, “It’s okay.” If that’s all I get for my culinary efforts, then frozen burritos from Walmart are what they’ll be eating.
Once I taught my older kids how to make eggs, instant ramen, and fry Spam, I figured they were set for college. Just toss in a vegetable (but why bother, right?), and it’s a meal that’s both a struggle and somewhat balanced! I’ve stocked our home with easily accessible foods and utensils, teaching them safety around the oven and stove, along with how to follow instructions. Now, they’re empowered enough to fend for themselves. Plus, any food I don’t have to prepare for them suddenly tastes amazing.
While it’s not a flawless system—there have been a few minor burns and broken dishes—I firmly believe that pain is a valuable teacher. Sure, they might be missing some essential nutrients, but that’s what multivitamins are for, right? Isn’t it fantastic how science helps us navigate parenting?
Now that my husband bought the kids a cheap phone, I can text them, allowing me to remain in my room without needing to interact with anyone in person.
If you’re curious about how to raise independent yet slightly wild children, the key is to become comfortable with feelings of despair and defeat. You must accept that your kids will struggle with whatever skills you’re teaching them and resist the urge to just do it yourself. It’s like training your partner to load the dishwasher your way—you have to decide what’s more important: that the dishes are done by anyone other than you, or that they’re done your way.
I choose the former every single time.
As a bonus, my kids are now excellent negotiators. My oldest has mastered the art of managing tasks; when he has work to do, he either tackles it himself, delegates, or reminds me that he needs my assistance. Often, I find myself saying he doesn’t have to do it if I’m not in the mood—turning it into my responsibility instead.
And isn’t that the life we all want to encourage? Average office workers? You can judge me all you want, but I consider myself one of the happier mothers out there, and it’s all because I prioritize my own needs. Some may label this as selfishness, but I view it as a gift.
For more insights on parenting and independence, check out this blog post. If you’re looking for resources on at-home insemination, Make a Mom is a fantastic authority on the subject, and for anyone interested in the medical side of insemination, Cleveland Clinic offers great information.
Summary
The author shares their unique approach to parenting through benign neglect, emphasizing the importance of fostering independence in children. By allowing their kids to manage tasks on their own, the author believes they are equipping them with essential life skills. Despite the potential messiness of this method, the author finds joy in prioritizing their own needs and raising resourceful, happy children.
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