I’ve always struggled with disciplining my children. Growing up, I feared making mistakes or crossing boundaries, especially since my own parents used spankings as a form of discipline. When I became a parent, I vowed to break that cycle, but I quickly found myself unprepared for the relentless challenges my kids would pose. It baffled me why they couldn’t just make life easier by listening to me.
But that’s not how it works. Children possess their own thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Adults often dismiss their reactions to seemingly trivial matters—like not being able to eat with a pink fork. I’ve been guilty of not handling their meltdowns with the understanding they deserve. Even after seventeen years of parenting, I still find myself flustered by behaviors I can’t comprehend. It wasn’t until they grew older and expressed their feelings more clearly that I began to realize their actions often stemmed from deeper emotions. It’s a common realization, but one that’s hard to grasp when you’re deep in the trenches of parenting.
I remember one time when my daughter was upset about a friend issue at school. She reacted by acting out, refusing to do her chores, and instead of trying to understand what she was going through, I jumped straight to punishment by taking her phone away. I was frustrated by her attitude and fixated on making her complete her chores without considering the emotional turmoil she might be experiencing.
I’m certainly not winning any “Parent of the Year” awards, but we all learn as we go, right? Since my children were little, my instinct has been to either give in to their demands or impose punishment when they misbehave. Many parents can relate—who wouldn’t want their tantruming toddler in the store to just quiet down?
However, I stumbled upon a transformative article that reshaped my approach to handling difficult situations with my kids. Meghan Leahy, a parenting coach, wrote an insightful piece for Working Mother titled “The Discipline Strategy That Stops Tantrums And Bossy Behavior In Its Tracks.” This article is essential reading for every parent.
Leahy emphasizes that simply acknowledging our children’s emotions can often diffuse difficult situations. When we validate how they feel and show understanding, it can lead us to the root of their behavior. She suggests starting sentences like, “It sounds like…” or “It seems like you feel…” followed by an emotion that fits. Children appreciate when their feelings are recognized, and they often correct us if we misinterpret them.
By maintaining our boundaries while engaging compassionately, we teach our kids that life doesn’t always grant them what they want, and that’s perfectly okay. Children can experience frustration, sadness, and anger—emotions that we adults also face. We wouldn’t want to be punished for having those feelings, so why do we do it to our kids?
Dealing with a child’s emotional outburst can be challenging and sometimes even embarrassing. It’s one of the more demanding aspects of parenting, which is why it’s often discussed. Leahy points out that when we feel overwhelmed and want bad behavior to stop at all costs, we tend to drop our boundaries, which can make our children feel insecure about their roles in the family.
After reflecting on my past responses to my children’s demands, I recalled a time when I effectively implemented these strategies. My son, who wore diapers until he was four, resisted potty training fiercely. On a beach outing, he had a messy accident, and I had to change him amidst his tantrum. Instead of simply forcing the change, I acknowledged his feelings, saying I understood he was frustrated and wanted to play. After the ordeal, he apologized, and that night he used the potty for the first time. By validating his emotions, he felt empowered to make a choice that benefited him.
This approach resonates with adults too—acknowledgment is a fundamental aspect of healthy relationships. If it reduces tantrums and reinforces boundaries, it’s a win for everyone involved.
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Summary:
Understanding and validating our children’s emotions can help foster better behavior without compromising authority. By recognizing their feelings, we can address the root of the problem while maintaining healthy boundaries. Acknowledgment not only empowers children but also strengthens parent-child relationships.
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