Last year, I embarked on a journey to prioritize my well-being. A few months after welcoming my second child, I felt utterly exhausted. I stumbled upon an online fitness subscription that featured a vast library of workout videos, all promising to transform me into a stronger, happier, and healthier version of myself. Eager for a change, I thought this could be the key to my postpartum self-care.
I was convinced that shedding extra pounds was essential for my health and that achieving this physical transformation would reignite my passion for life. My plan was to rise early before my boys and tackle one of the short, intense workouts. I believed this new routine would help restore some balance to my chaotic life.
This approach seemed sensible, especially since I had battled with disordered eating habits during my college years. My diet was overly restrictive, and I spent countless hours at the gym, often feeling overwhelmed if my efforts didn’t meet my unrealistic standards.
I thought this was the path to wellness, but soon it spiraled into chaos. Anxiety consumed me, and I oscillated between feeling numb and overwhelmed with emotion. I couldn’t even make simple choices, leading me to seek counseling.
In my initial round of counseling for disordered eating, I discovered a revolutionary idea: dieting is unnecessary. This realization was liberating and transformed my life. No more calorie counting or meal replacements. Instead, I learned to listen to my body, eating when hungry and stopping when full.
This revelation came largely from “Intuitive Eating” by Elyse Resch and Evelyn Tribole, which outlines extensive research on the dangers of dieting. Although the journey was gradual and sometimes uncomfortable, I liberated myself from the vicious cycle of dieting and bingeing. My desire to be smaller didn’t vanish but was put into perspective. After counseling, I learned to embrace life again.
As years passed, I married my wonderful partner, worked as a nurse, and became a mom to two unique boys. While motherhood has been rewarding, it also brought its challenges. After my second child, I felt increasingly low and wanted to redefine what health meant in this new phase. The online fitness program appeared to be a promising start, with coaches claiming that consistency would yield results.
However, months rolled by without any weight loss or improvement in how I felt. Waking up early to exercise became a challenge, and when I did manage to find the time, the workouts left me feeling judged and frustrated. Instead of feeling invigorated, I felt exhausted, overwhelmed, and like a failure.
Realizing my self-care efforts were counterproductive, I sought counseling for disordered eating once again. Although I had stopped engaging in harmful behaviors like excessive exercise and restriction, I was still trapped by the false beliefs of my eating disorder. Thoughts like “everything will be better when you lose weight” and “if only I were smaller, I’d feel happier” infiltrated every aspect of my life.
Looking back, it’s clear why I felt miserable; I was suffocating under the weight of my own expectations. Brene Brown, a renowned author and researcher, states in her book “Daring Greatly,” “If we want children who love and accept who they are, our job is to love and accept who we are.” This insight prompted me to recognize that a change was necessary—not in my weight, but in my mindset.
Now, I’m dedicated to loving and accepting myself. I continue to work with my counselor, exploring concepts like embodiment, mindfulness, and body image to challenge the harmful messages I’ve internalized. I’ve learned that I don’t need to be thin to enjoy life or to value myself. True self-care isn’t about losing weight; in fact, my attempts to do so harmed my overall well-being.
I now focus on nurturing my body, not for appearance’s sake, but out of respect for it. I’ve started engaging in activities I love, such as hiking, yoga, and kickboxing. My postpartum body is strong and capable; I can play with my children and hike breathtaking trails. This is what true self-care looks like for me.
Recently, I decided to cancel my online fitness subscription. My year-long self-care journey didn’t unfold as I envisioned. While I didn’t lose weight, I discovered a beautiful, capable body. A year later, I’m embracing a new, strong, and happy version of myself.
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In summary, my journey taught me that self-care is not synonymous with weight loss. Instead, it is about embracing and nurturing my body as it is, leading to a more fulfilling and joyful life.
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