Parenting
What Is Ambiguous Loss, and Why It Matters
I can vividly remember the day my partner succumbed to brain cancer—February 3, 2018. I can recall the exact time—9:37 p.m.—and every detail surrounding that moment, including the painful days that followed.
At first glance, it seems my loss is clear-cut, marked by a specific time and date. However, it is also shrouded in ambiguity. On the day of the funeral, I found myself staring at him, realizing, that’s not really him. Grief and denial clouded my perception, but it was also true that brain cancer had already robbed my partner of his essence long before that day. The person I once knew was hardly recognizable. This complex feeling left me disoriented and heartbroken.
This likely explains why I spent my first year as a widow retracing our shared moments, attempting to pinpoint the exact day I truly lost him—the day he lost the qualities that made him who he was. I scoured through our emails, texts, and photographs, hoping to discover that elusive moment. Yet, I found nothing. I realized my loss occurred sometime in the days or weeks prior to his unconscious state in hospice, after the final flickers of his personality had faded.
It was only when I learned about “ambiguous loss” that I began to grasp the need to identify a specific moment of loss. Understanding this term helped me process my grief and alleviate the guilt of not knowing precisely when he was lost to me.
Ambiguous loss is a concept introduced by Dr. Pauline Boss, a professor emeritus at the University of Minnesota and author of Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live With Unresolved Grief. This type of loss arises without closure or clear understanding, manifesting in two primary forms.
The first is physical ambiguous loss, where a loved one may go missing due to kidnapping, war, or natural disasters, as well as more common scenarios like divorce. The second is psychological ambiguous loss, where someone is physically present but emotionally or cognitively absent, often due to conditions like Alzheimer’s, addiction, depression, or, as in my case, brain cancer.
In both cases, those experiencing the loss are left with unresolved questions, often finding themselves stuck in their grieving process. Without closure, the feeling of incompleteness lingers.
Before I discovered the term ambiguous loss, my feelings were vague and overwhelming, lacking definition. However, naming it transformed my experience into something I could understand and confront. Dr. Boss articulated this in an interview, emphasizing that you cannot cope with a situation until you can name it. This insight applies not only to the losses experienced during the pandemic but also to the broader context of grief. I couldn’t start to truly cope with my husband’s loss until I recognized its complex nature: a blend of finite and ambiguous.
Crucially, naming my loss gave it a sense of universality. My quest to find a specific time and date for a loss that may never be pinpointed felt isolating. Learning that I was not alone and that others shared similar experiences made my grief feel less overwhelming.
Ambiguous loss is a multifaceted type of grief, and understanding its nature aids in processing it. I realize now that while I lost my husband’s physical presence on February 3 at 9:37 p.m., I also experienced another loss—the loss of his smile, humor, and charm—at an indeterminate moment. Thus, I grieve both losses, acknowledging that they can coexist. Understanding this duality has made it easier to breathe, mourn, and eventually move forward while cherishing the memories close to my heart.
For more insights on this topic, you can explore this other blog post, as well as check out Make a Mom for expert information. If you’re looking for resources about pregnancy, visit NICHD.
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Summary:
Ambiguous loss is a complex grief experience where closure is elusive, manifesting in two forms: physical absence and psychological presence. Understanding this term can help individuals process their grief more effectively. Recognizing that loss can be both finite and ambiguous allows for healing, as it provides a framework to navigate the intricate emotions associated with grief.
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