Trusting Parents of Estranged Children: A Personal Struggle

“I have no idea what I’ve done wrong!” This is often how these conversations begin, followed by claims of having done everything possible for their children. As they try to convince me of their victimhood, I can’t shake the feeling that they are trying to persuade themselves more than anyone else.

As someone who has experienced estrangement, it’s difficult for me to engage in these discussions. The sentiments expressed by these parents echo those of my own. I can only imagine that my own parents are out there somewhere, claiming ignorance about their actions.

However, many of these parents are aware of their shortcomings. They were present during the events that led to the estrangement and, on some level, they know what they have done. As adults, we often try to communicate our feelings in hopes of rekindling the bond, only for our attempts to be dismissed.

I have repeatedly expressed to my mother how her actions impacted me, naively hoping for an apology and acknowledgment of the psychological abuse I endured. Instead, she deflected responsibility. Ultimately, I severed ties, only for her to act shocked at my decision.

My father, too, failed to believe my side of the story. After countless attempts, I prioritized my mental health and cut him out of my life. Despite this, he remains perplexed about our lack of communication.

Parents often choose to ignore the truth, opting instead to portray themselves as victims to others, who readily sympathize with them. While I recognize that familial estrangements can happen for various reasons, I grow skeptical of parents who dismiss their children’s pain, viewing them as ungrateful instead of seeking to understand the hurt behind the estrangement. This lack of accountability is unsettling.

It’s never easy to distance oneself from parents, especially when a bond built on trauma exists. Even though it has been over four years since I ended my relationship with my parents, the remnants of that bond linger, and I grapple daily with the urge to reconnect. When I hear parents lament about their children cutting them out “for no reason,” it feels like a manipulation of the narrative, an attempt to frame themselves as victims.

Children typically do not wish to sever ties with their parents. Research like Dr. Edward Tronick’s Still Face Experiment illustrates our innate desire for connection with caregivers from an early age. As an adult, I would feel immense joy if my parents would apologize and demonstrate genuine change.

Perhaps those who have distanced themselves from their parents are acting out of bravery rather than ingratitude. They may have given their parents ample opportunities to mend the relationship. In situations involving abuse, society often applauds the victim for leaving, yet when the abuser is a parent, sympathy frequently shifts to the adult who has lost their child.

In my last conversation with a parent of an estranged child, I gently asked, “Have you considered asking your daughter why she isn’t speaking to you?” Their response was a quick dismissal, claiming, “She won’t tell me why.” This response led me to believe they were aware of the underlying issues, despite their outward claims of ignorance.

“I have no idea what I’ve done wrong!” is a frustrating refrain. The truth is, pretending not to know is part of the problem. Fostering a rift in a strong bond and failing to take responsibility are significant missteps. The most painful realization is that they continue to prioritize their narrative over the hurt their children are experiencing.

Summary

Navigating conversations with parents of estranged children can be challenging, especially when they refuse to acknowledge their actions. The struggle lies in the disconnect between the parents’ self-perception as victims and the painful realities endured by their children. Estrangement often stems from a long history of unresolved issues, and many children find it necessary to cut ties for their own mental health. True healing requires accountability and willingness to understand the pain behind the estrangement.