I’ve been grappling with how to express my thoughts for hours, staring at a blank screen, unsure where to start. The day began like any other—I woke up just before sunrise to take care of my toddler, tending to my 21-month-old son. When my daughter woke up, I prepared her breakfast of yogurt and Cinnamon Toast Crunch, doing it all while wearing a smile. “Good morning, sweetie,” I chirped in my most cheerful mom voice, wrapping her in a warm hug.
Yet, it wasn’t a good morning for me, and it hasn’t been for quite a while. The reason? I live with depression, and for most of 2020, I’ve been engulfed in darkness and despair. Every day is a struggle to exist, to breathe, and to find the motivation to rise from bed.
From an outsider’s perspective, my life might seem fine. I dress up daily, maintain a routine, and juggle multiple writing jobs while running over 20 miles a week. I laugh frequently, primarily thanks to my daughter’s lively personality and my son’s amusing antics. On the surface, I don’t fit the typical image of someone battling depression. My hair is clean, I maintain my appearance, and I don’t hide away in the shadows. However, despite my outward demeanor, true happiness feels elusive. It’s as if the spirit of life has been drained from me, leaving behind a hollow shell.
This condition is often referred to as ‘smiling depression’ or masked depression. Jamie Elmer describes it as living with hidden depression while appearing outwardly happy and composed. The symptoms mirror those of traditional depression—feelings of hopelessness and sadness, changes in appetite, and sleep disturbances. Yet, as Elmer points out, those with smiling depression often present a façade of normalcy, masking their internal turmoil.
Each day is a battle, with a war raging within me. Although smiling depression isn’t officially recognized in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), my struggle is no less valid. Explaining my depression to others is challenging; friends see a devoted mother and a supportive partner. My social media is filled with images depicting a seemingly happy and healthy life. But behind closed doors, I often break down in tears, whether in solitude or during my runs. Thoughts of self-harm frequently haunt me; they have become my default. I hear the negative voices in my head telling me I’m inadequate, unworthy, and unloved. Relationships feel shaky and built on falsehoods.
To cope, I keep myself busy, avoiding reality by staying active and smiling through the pain. I cook, clean, and play as if everything is perfectly fine. However, smiling depression can be perilous. Like any mental illness, it carries risks that are heightened by my secrecy. Behind my smile lies a struggle; within my laughter, there is hurt and deception.
Amy Morin, a licensed clinical social worker, highlights that depression often brings thoughts of death and suicide. Those with smiling depression may be at a higher risk due to their high-functioning nature. The silver lining is that smiling depression is treatable. With therapy, medication, and lifestyle changes, individuals can lead fulfilling lives.
For me, therapy is a space to confront my demons and silence the negativity. I take medication to manage my symptoms and strive to be a better person, parent, and partner. I rise each morning, even when it feels overwhelming. I openly discuss my depression because it’s essential—not just for my own well-being, but to let others know that smiling doesn’t necessarily equate to being okay. A smile can hide a multitude of struggles.
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In summary, smiling depression is a hidden struggle that many endure while appearing fine to the outside world. Acknowledging and addressing this condition is crucial for healing. Therapy, medication, and open conversations can help those affected lead healthier, more fulfilling lives.
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