When I was 24, I found myself in a kickboxing and mixed martial arts advertisement. There I was, jumping rope in a boxing ring, showcasing my toned abs, with the slogan “The More You Sweat, The Less You Bleed” behind me. In my early twenties, sparring was my escape. As the adrenaline of kickboxing faded, I transitioned to a CrossFit obsession.
By my early thirties, I had discovered hot yoga, thanks to a recommendation from a fellow fitness enthusiast. Halfway through my first class, I nearly joined another participant who rushed out to be sick, but I persevered. It was a humbling experience, yet I still struggled to understand that strength comes in various forms—not just physical. Hot yoga quickly became my new addiction, and I was completely hooked.
At the age of 37, while pregnant with my son, I was a dedicated yogi, attending classes multiple times a week. I attempted prenatal yoga but found it too slow for my liking, opting instead for headstands and twists even at 38 weeks. A thoughtful instructor suggested I slow down and focus on restorative poses to prepare for what was ahead. I smiled politely, but I wasn’t ready to heed her advice; I craved movement and sweat.
My pregnancy was relatively smooth, and despite facing challenges with conception, I was fortunate to feel good and remain active. However, as many experienced mothers know, the transition to motherhood was far more challenging than I had anticipated. After my son was born, postpartum depression and anxiety took root, overwhelming my spirit and draining my strength.
With my family’s support, I sought help from a doctor and a social worker. In therapy, I had to confront my misconceptions about courage and strength. The bravado I once had vanished the first night alone with my son, unable to soothe his relentless cries.
Just four months after his birth, I found myself at my lightest weight as an adult, while my physical and mental strength dwindled. Friends and family expressed concern over my appearance; my formerly fit body had become a shadow of its former self. I attributed my muscle loss to my inability to combat the anxiety that kept me paralyzed, replacing the comfort of lifting weights with the heaviness of my son’s video monitor.
During one therapy session, I grappled with the idea of returning to yoga, still apprehensive about revealing my vulnerabilities. I recalled a former instructor’s words: “You cannot muscle through it; you must let your body open up and ease into the poses.” I felt embarrassed as I fumbled through a triangle pose, realizing my old strength from kickboxing and CrossFit was insufficient for this new journey. Yoga required a gentler, more mindful approach to strength.
When I finally mustered the courage to return to a class, the instructor began with a meditation before we engaged in our asanas. In the past, I would have dismissed this as unnecessary, but this time I opened my heart and absorbed the wisdom shared: “We are not moving in circles; we are spiraling upwards.” I learned to view my yoga practice as more than a workout; it became a way of life. I realized I was not on a path of failure but one that embraced vulnerability as a chance for growth.
Years later, when the COVID-19 pandemic hit, the coping mechanisms I had cultivated were abruptly interrupted as yoga studios and gyms closed. Yet, the lessons I had learned remained strong. My yoga studio owner began sharing online videos, which my son and I enjoyed together. As the weather warmed, outdoor yoga sessions began, allowing me to reconnect with nature and myself while releasing my worries.
Reflecting on how yoga saved me during a dark period inspired me to become a certified yoga instructor for children and teens. Ironically, five years after dismissing my instructor’s advice on restorative practices, I am now pursuing my restorative yoga certification. While the urge to push through challenges remains, I have learned to pause and find freedom in my breath, even in the hardest moments.
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In summary, my journey through motherhood was illuminated by the lessons I learned from yoga. It taught me the importance of embracing vulnerability and finding strength in gentleness. As I continue to grow, I am committed to sharing these insights with others, proving that even in our darkest times, we can find a path toward healing and resilience.
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