It was a brisk Wednesday afternoon when my 12-year-old son, Ethan, sat in the passenger seat while we drove home from his school, where he’d picked up some new library books. As we cruised down the highway, singing along to the radio, he suddenly asked, “Mom, do girls really like to be choked during sex?”
Somehow, I managed to keep the car steady and maintain a mostly calm demeanor as I responded, “That’s an interesting question, thanks for bringing it up.” After a moment of internal disbelief and a few quick prayers for guidance, I took a deep breath and continued, “Where did you hear that?”
“Jake told us in the locker room before practice last night,” he replied.
Ethan often shares the wild things he overhears from friends at school, and we’ve turned it into a sort of game we call “fact-checking your friends.” Our kids come to us frequently for clarification, and we usually find humor in the outlandish things their peers believe. If Ethan trusted even a fraction of what his friends told him, he might think his growth would stop at thirteen, or that getting kicked in the groin was ten times more painful than childbirth—among many other ridiculous tales.
Who knows how long he’s been walking around with the misconception that every girl is into choking. While I was taken aback by the specificity of his question, I was relieved he approached me instead of just believing his friends or conducting a Google search. The second result would have led him to a Men’s Health article on how to use choking during sex; the third was a piece by Glamour about a woman who enjoys “submission choking.”
When the alternatives involve leaving your child’s sexual education in the hands of their peers or allowing them to conduct unsafe online searches, you realize that it’s far better for them to ask you about specific sexual topics while you’re driving on a Wednesday afternoon.
We’ve always believed that honest, age-appropriate discussions are the best policy for our kids. We don’t use euphemisms for body parts or propagate myths about how babies are delivered. We lay it out plainly. Given that I didn’t know much about choking in this context, I was upfront with Ethan, thanking him for his question and expressing my desire to research the topic more before discussing it. He was receptive to that.
Many times, our kids have posed questions that caught us off guard, and we never want to speculate or appear dismissive about such sensitive topics. I’ve seen firsthand the consequences of misinformation shared among kids. All children talk, and while mine are certainly not angels, whatever I convey to them could easily influence their friends as well.
This openness reassured my kids that I take their questions seriously. After some research, I gained a better understanding of choking and erotic asphyxiation. I knew definitively that it’s not something every woman is interested in, and assuming so is dangerously misguided—confirming once again that his friends are not the best sources of information.
Understanding Choking and Erotic Asphyxiation
Let’s break down choking and erotic asphyxiation. While I’m somewhat open-minded and a little adventurous myself, I can’t endorse practices like erotic asphyxiation or its various terms. Erotic asphyxiation (EA) entails intentionally restricting oxygen to heighten sexual arousal, also known as breath play or airplay—phrases that sound less intimidating but are still fraught with risk.
Regardless of the terminology, this practice is inherently dangerous. Autoerotic asphyxia refers to the act of cutting off one’s oxygen supply during masturbation to enhance pleasure. The pressure on the neck can lead to dizziness or lightheadedness, but if maintained too long, it can result in severe consequences, including brain damage or even death.
There’s a fine line between consensual breath play and a deadly gamble. Not every person is interested in this, and the fact that a 12-year-old is discussing choking as if it’s normal is quite alarming.
Are choking and erotic asphyxiation the same? The answer is nuanced. A hand around the neck can be used for control without the intent to choke. Some women may enjoy that sensation during certain sexual activities, relishing the dominance it conveys. However, young adolescents may struggle to grasp the differences and the potential dangers involved.
Educating kids about the risks associated with choking during sex is crucial. There need to be more parents discussing the dangers of erotic and autoerotic asphyxia. It’s no trivial matter when statistics show that around 1,000 individuals die annually in the U.S. due to erotic asphyxiation. That figure is likely an underestimation, as many deaths are misclassified as suicides rather than linked to autoerotic asphyxiation.
When Ethan heard that girls are into EA, the reality tells a different story. A study from 2006 indicated that up to 31% of male adolescent hanging deaths might involve autoerotic activity. In 2002, nearly 375 young males in the U.S. reportedly died from this practice. As a mother of a young boy exposed to such ideas, this information is unsettling.
Having the Conversation
How do you explain this to a curious 12-year-old? You maintain honesty, but you need a solid foundation of trust and communication about puberty and sexuality before broaching topics like erotic asphyxiation. As parents, we can’t halt the inevitable changes of puberty or the spread of misinformation among friends, but we can be a source of accurate information.
To ease the awkwardness of those essential discussions about puberty, consider using books or light-hearted anecdotes from your own teenage years. Do whatever it takes to help your kids feel informed as they navigate this transition into adulthood. They have questions, and if you’ve done your research, they’ll rely on you for answers rather than their friends or the internet.
The day after Ethan’s initial question, my husband and I felt ready to share what we had learned about choking and erotic asphyxiation. Without demonizing all pornography, we explained how some adult content depicts rough encounters that may not reflect what his future partners would desire. We suggested that Jake likely encountered explicit material leading him to believe that all girls enjoy such experiences.
This led us to discuss the nuances of sexual pleasure and the importance of ongoing consent. We felt Ethan was mature enough to hear about the real-life consequences of autoerotic asphyxiation, ending our conversation with cautionary tales of those who died due to such practices, including the tragic stories of Alex Veilleux and actor David Carradine.
Did we handle this delicate situation appropriately? I’m still uncertain. What matters is that he approached us, we learned together, and we kept the dialogue open. As a mom and a writer who embraces a sex-positive outlook, this topic is daunting. The alarming statistics surrounding erotic asphyxiation and the fact that a 12-year-old was sharing such information with peers is troubling.
In addition to discussing this with Ethan, we notified his coach and reached out to Jake’s parents to address the misinformation circulating among the kids.
Additional Resources
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Search Queries:
- Why do some people enjoy choking during sex?
- What is erotic asphyxiation and is it safe?
- How to talk to kids about sexual topics?
- Risks associated with autoerotic asphyxiation?
- What are the statistics on choking deaths?
Summary:
My son Ethan’s unexpected question about girls and choking during sex prompted a crucial conversation about sexual education and the dangers of misinformation among peers. We emphasized the importance of open dialogue and honest discussions about sexuality, focusing on the risks of erotic asphyxiation. This experience reinforced the need for parents to engage with their children on sensitive topics to ensure they have accurate information rather than relying on misguided beliefs from friends or the internet.
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