In late December, I shared a brief post on my blog’s social media channels discussing a disagreement with my daughter about giving her mother some much-needed alone time. I mentioned how my partner and I prioritize three hours a week for ourselves, and I was surprised by the flood of responses, especially from women who had experienced or were going through a divorce. Many of them expressed how critical it is to have personal time, as they never had the chance to enjoy it. One comment from a mother particularly resonated: “Men often wonder why women seem distant. It’s because women rarely get time for themselves; you can’t pour from an empty vessel.”
Let me be clear: I don’t think there’s anything more vital for the health of a relationship than personal time, especially when you’re raising young children. Kids are wonderful—they’re funny and full of joy—but they can also be overwhelming and draining. Every parent needs time to recharge. My partner and I recognized this early on, and it’s become a fundamental aspect of our relationship.
How to Set Up Personal Time
Setting this arrangement is simpler than it seems. Approach your partner and say, “I’ll take care of the kids one night a week so you can have some time to yourself, and I’d appreciate the same in return.” Then, establish a schedule.
For us, the three-hour rule works best. My partner, Sarah, takes Thursday evenings after dinner. We usually eat around 5 PM. I handle the cleanup and chores, getting the kids to bed by 8:30 PM. I give them a firm reminder that if they encounter any issues during the night, they should come to me. Sarah typically enjoys at least three hours of alone time, often more since she’s a night owl. I take Sunday afternoons from about 1 PM to 4 PM. I’ll admit, it was easier before the pandemic when we could go out, but it’s still manageable if you have a good lock on your bedroom door.
This system has worked for us for years. We’ve occasionally swapped nights and afternoons or adjusted the schedule to accommodate events we want to attend. The key takeaway is to stick to the agreed-upon times. Protect this time fiercely; it’s essential. Advocate for your partner to take their time too, as this is about equal partnership. You can’t expect personal time without ensuring your partner receives theirs.
Tips for Dads
Fellas, this is especially for you. Your kids might want to be with their mom, so it’s your responsibility to keep them engaged and occupied. Establish clear boundaries with your kids—something like, “It’s mom’s night, so let’s keep it quiet.” You might consider taking them for a drive, going on a hike, or putting on a movie. Honestly, I find I enjoy Sarah’s evenings off because it gives me quality time with the kids. Over time, they will understand that their mom deserves her own time just like anyone else does. Furthermore, you cannot demand personal time if you’re not willing to give the same support to your partner.
And please, no asking for “favors” in return. No expectations of special treatment, no knocking on the door, and no phone calls or texts asking questions. You can manage this. Avoid making loud huffs or acting irritated when your partner returns—this only creates guilt. Also, continue to handle household responsibilities while your partner is enjoying their time off. Nothing ruins a relaxing evening quite like coming back to a pile of chores that didn’t get done.
Open Communication is Key
The most crucial rule is to discuss everything openly as a couple. Establish ground rules and expectations to find out what works best for your relationship. The most precious gift one partner can give another is time to themselves. It’s an invaluable gift that helps one feel appreciated while raising kids, as it allows for a much-needed recharge without any strings attached.
In these challenging pandemic times, when we’ve spent months at home with our children, finding time for yourself could be the most refreshing experience imaginable. We all need it—so now is the time to make it happen. For more insights on this topic, check out one of our other blog posts here, or visit Progyny for great resources on pregnancy and home insemination. If you’re considering self insemination, Cryobaby is an excellent authority on the subject.
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In summary, giving each other personal time is crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship, especially when raising children. By setting clear boundaries and prioritizing personal space, couples can recharge and strengthen their bond.
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