It’s 2 AM, and my baby is crying. I glance at my phone, mentally counting down the seconds. The goal is five minutes—advice from a popular sleep expert—but I rarely make it that long. Her whimpers tug at my heartstrings, and I quickly move to the next steps: crank up the sound machine (check), lay my hand on her chest (check), rock her gently in her crib (check), and finally pick her up for some rocking (check). These methods work sporadically. More often than not, I end up nursing her. As she nestles against me, I feel her tension melt away, and within 15 minutes, she’s asleep again. Yet, each time I do this, I can’t shake the feeling of failure—failure for needing to feed her and for not getting her to sleep independently.
In my effort to be well-informed, I’ve absorbed a plethora of advice from sleep consultants, much of which centers around the idea that nursing or rocking your child to sleep creates sleep associations—crutches that will tether your baby to you indefinitely. Who wants that when all I crave is a few uninterrupted hours of sleep? I could take advantage of her longest early evening sleep, but that would mean sacrificing the one small stretch of adult activities—dinner, a show, a bit of dark chocolate—that have become sacred in my new life.
The facilitator of my mom group reminds us that sleep coaches, regardless of their good intentions, are selling a product. For sleep-deprived parents, that product—a good night’s sleep—feels more potent than any drug. Yet, I can’t help but think that if I just try harder, purchase another book, or adhere more strictly to the program, I might achieve a different outcome.
However, the reality of parenting is that the conventional wisdom about infant sleep norms often clashes with what we—parents and babies—innately want. Babies naturally seek warmth, comfort, and nursing, regardless of whether they’re truly hungry or able to sleep through the night. So, who am I to deny her those needs? After all, self-soothing is a skill I still struggle with at 35 (thanks, pregnancy insomnia), so how can I expect a 4-month-old to master it?
We are told to sleep separately from our babies (in another room as soon as possible), minimize nighttime awakenings, and avoid rocking them to prevent the creation of sleep crutches. Nursing them to sleep is discouraged; they should only need nourishment, and seeking comfort through nursing is deemed problematic. In fact, many are advised to wean as soon as possible, with warnings that failing to train them could impair their brain development and lead to obesity. Co-sleeping is labeled as unequivocally wrong and dangerous.
However, this perspective is not universal. Many cultures around the world embrace co-sleeping and on-demand breastfeeding. It’s logical; after all, for millennia, babies have slept close to their mothers. Ancient nomadic tribes surely didn’t carry cribs along on their journeys. While this sleeping arrangement may result in more night awakenings, it often proves more restful than the back-and-forth to a crib all night.
A friend of mine, originally from Japan, illustrates this point. Although she raised her children in the U.S., she practiced Japanese-style co-sleeping on a large, firm futon, devoid of excess pillows or bedding. She recalls how much easier it was to settle her babies when they were close by, saying, “When I slept with my kids, they seemed to calm down just from my heartbeat or warmth or smell. Looking back, I can’t remember having much trouble waking up at night.”
I understand the rationale behind sleep training—we live in a society with 8 AM meetings, after all. But I often wonder who these mothers are that possess the mental strength and endurance to develop and execute a sleep plan after enduring such sleep deprivation. Are they the same women who manage to sleep when the baby sleeps? (It’s absurd to suggest that any adult can fall asleep in 30-minute increments throughout the day, starting at 8 AM.)
I can plan and prepare to train during the day, but in the wee hours of the night, all my best intentions unravel. I feel the tension of needing sleep while being sensitive to my baby’s needs. One night I tried a method called Ferberizing, and while she eventually stopped crying and fell asleep, I felt more hollow than ever as a mother.
When I discuss this with friends, their experiences vary. Only one seems to have mastered sleep training. Another’s baby slept through the night without much issue, yet she admits it was likely a fluke. One friend attempted cry-it-out sleep training, resulting in tears from all three of them—her, her husband, and their baby. Another friend quickly asserts that she co-sleeps with her baby, finding it so much easier with breastfeeding. One more friend nursed her daughter to sleep for naps and bedtime until nearly three, and now her child sleeps well. A friend in the medical field co-slept with her babies but then implemented no-cry sleep training as they grew older. She acknowledges that if there are risk factors, the data supports avoiding bed-sharing. However, without those risk factors, the evidence becomes less clear.
Ultimately, I’m still uncertain about the right approach—whether to sleep train or not, when to respond to my baby’s nighttime cries, and when to let her be. For now, when she wakes up crying, I go to her immediately. I can either spend hours each night trying to calm her while she cries, adjusting the sound machine, or I can spend a mere 10 minutes every few hours holding and feeding her. If she seems particularly upset, I’ll bring her to our bed. When I do, I see her body relax, and we both drift off to sleep, like babies.
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Summary:
Navigating the challenges of sleep training can be overwhelming for new parents. Many parents find themselves torn between following expert advice on sleep training and responding to their baby’s natural needs for comfort and closeness. This article explores the conflicting views on infant sleep, the struggles of sleep-deprived parents, and the cultural perspectives on co-sleeping versus sleep training. Ultimately, each parent must find their own approach that balances their needs with those of their child, often leading to a more instinctual response during the night.
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