It’s a scenario I encounter frequently at home—my two children engrossed in their iPads just moments before they need to start their day, trying to squeeze in a few more minutes of screen time before they have to engage in anything other than mindlessly scrolling through videos. Neither of them has made their bed, packed their school bags, and my daughter’s hair looks like a tangled mess. It’s frustrating.
I’m irritated not only that their infatuation with their devices delays our morning routine but also by my daughter’s complete indifference toward her hair. She managed to get dressed and brush her teeth, so why neglect her hair?
Reflecting on my childhood, I remember sneaking into my mother’s room after school to play with her makeup. With just a compact and a few shades, I would happily experiment, relishing the chance to enhance my appearance. As I grew older, I invested in my own beauty products and never left the house without looking “put together.” For a long time, I was preoccupied with how others perceived me.
Now, three decades later, I have a daughter who could not care less about her appearance. She is completely unconcerned with how others view her and has no interest in my makeup or hairstyling tools. I cherish this quality in her and often wish I could channel it myself. I fully support her choices in clothing, accessories, and footwear. She should be free to express herself and find joy in her appearance. I believe in her bodily autonomy and want her to make her own decisions without my influence.
Yet, there she is, lounging on the couch with hair that resembles a bird’s nest, and I can’t hold back. Why has she been avoiding brushing her hair for days, allowing the knots to grow so extensive that they need their own postal code? I don’t understand. When her hair reaches this point, knowing that untangling it will be both time-consuming and potentially painful, I feel compelled to intervene, even as I want to respect her autonomy.
I’ve tried every tactic to motivate her to brush her hair each morning to avoid this issue. I’ve nagged, offered gentle reminders, and purchased a myriad of specialized brushes—I’ve likely kept the hairbrush industry afloat. Yet, her indifference to hair care persists, and as the tangles escalate, my commitment to her bodily autonomy dwindles when I see those knots and realize I have to step in.
The reality is that those tangled knots drive me insane, but I grapple with guilt about my response. I fear that if I push too hard, I might instill a complex in her or diminish her wonderful ability to be completely herself, unconcerned with the opinions of others. As she approaches her teenage years, a time when self-consciousness often blooms, do I really want to make her anxious about her appearance? I don’t want to become the voice in her head that generates insecurity—certainly not when I remember my own teenage struggles. I want her to embrace whatever style makes her happy.
Yet, I also want her to care for herself adequately, which should include basic self-care tasks like wearing clean clothes and brushing her teeth. Isn’t brushing her hair part of that fundamental self-care routine? So is it really wrong if I nag her a bit? Perhaps I’m not undermining her admirable ability to navigate the world without concern for others’ opinions.
It feels like a precarious balancing act, and I’m not sure I’ve struck the right chord yet.
What truly bothers me may not just be her choice regarding her hair but rather her sheer lack of interest. She isn’t opting for a messy ponytail or a particular style; she’s simply cutting corners to grab extra iPad time, and that drives me crazy. I want her to care enough to make a choice—because I believe that if she were to actively choose, she wouldn’t settle for knots that require considerable effort to detangle.
In truth, I might never find the perfect balance. I will likely always be the voice in her head, reminding her to brush her hair, the voice she rolls her eyes at. But I hope I can also be the voice that encourages her to embrace her unique self, free from societal pressures, and nurture that beautiful quality she possesses.
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In summary, while I wholeheartedly support my daughter’s right to express herself and embrace her individuality, I also find myself struggling with the need for her to engage in basic self-care practices, like brushing her hair. It’s a delicate balance between respecting her autonomy and ensuring she takes care of herself.
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