I recently had an honest conversation with my partner, James, after we finished a round of intimacy. For us, “finishing” typically means that he reaches his climax, while I end up spending a frustrating amount of time—often an hour or more—using a vibrator to attempt to achieve my own orgasm. During this time, he usually reads beside me, occasionally asking, “Do you want help?” I always decline. That night, after a long and sweaty session, I expressed my true feelings. “It worked,” I admitted, “but it wasn’t worth it.”
James looked at me incredulously. I clarified, “The sex was great—intense and exactly how I like it. I appreciate that. But I never get there on my own. It’s a struggle. I need to rely on my vibrator, and it takes forever for me to finish. The whole ordeal isn’t worth the time or effort.” I felt bad for him. I knew he might feel inadequate, although he wouldn’t admit it. I walked away, feeling a mix of frustration and sadness.
Why Sex Sometimes Feels Like a Chore
I take medication, specifically an SSRI for depression, which makes it particularly challenging for me to reach orgasm. Interestingly, while it impacts my ability to climax, it doesn’t diminish my desire for sex. I still dress up in cute lingerie and jump into bed, eager for intimacy. We engage in plenty of foreplay; James is attentive and accommodating, fulfilling all my requests. Yet, once he finishes, the burden falls on me.
When he asks if I want assistance, I decline, not wanting him to feel tired or guilty. Instead, I take the solo route, often switching between multiple vibrators when batteries die mid-session. Sure, it feels good, but after an extended period, frustration sets in. I reach a peak, only to lose it again, and the payoff is never as grand as I hope. After an hour of effort, I’m left wondering if it’s even worth the trouble when I could just be sleeping.
The Decision to Skip It
Some nights, I simply choose not to engage. I’d rather sleep than spend an hour chasing an elusive orgasm. I toss on my pajamas, feeling that twitchy restlessness settle in. It’s a mix of wanting satisfaction but not having the energy to pursue it. Eventually, I drift off, but not without a sense of resentment for the way things used to be. I long for the times when achieving pleasure was easy and fulfilling, but now it just seems like too much effort.
The Frustration of Medical Barriers
While men have medications like Viagra to enhance their sexual experiences, women’s health concerns often go unnoticed. I’ve experimented with various options, but nothing seems to work. The thought of switching medications lingers, but I’ve found that alternatives like Wellbutrin don’t work for me. It’s a frustrating cycle of managing my mental health and navigating my sex life, neither of which feels satisfying.
I make an effort to engage in intimacy a couple of times a week because I love James. I try to create a space for myself, even if it takes forever to find pleasure, but the results are often disappointing. I’m left with fleeting sensations rather than the earth-shattering experiences I once enjoyed. Over time, I’ve come to accept my reality, but it’s disheartening, and I know I’m not alone in this feeling.
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In summary, the struggle to find pleasure can be exhausting, especially when medication complicates the process. It’s a common experience for many, and while the desire for intimacy remains, the effort can sometimes feel disproportionate to the reward.
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