I recently had a bit of a meltdown. My son thought it was a brilliant idea to leave a plate of steak in his room for three days. A plate of steak. In his room. At room temperature. Just sitting there.
I had warned him not to bring it upstairs, knowing full well that it would likely attract bugs and create a stinky mess. Plus, if he had just stored it in the fridge, I could’ve enjoyed the leftovers.
Turns out, I was right. This incident quickly spiraled into a larger discussion about how he’s been neglecting his chores. I’m exhausted from reminding him to take out the overflowing trash, especially after he casually balances his empty fruit cup on top of the heap.
After I finished venting, I followed up with my usual apology: “I’m sorry for yelling, but you really need to pay better attention and please don’t leave steak in your room again. Just so you know, I love you very much.”
When I was growing up, if my dad got angry, he would give us the silent treatment after yelling. He would stay upset for days, and once you messed up—like getting poor grades—he would remind you of it constantly. I remember my junior year in high school; I didn’t do well on my standardized tests because I didn’t care enough to take them seriously. My father was furious and said, “How does it feel to be in the bottom third of your class?” He then informed me that college was out of the question.
One lesson I want to impart to my kids is this: just because I’m upset, disappointed, or frustrated, I will never throw my hands up and give up on them. No one should have to live under that kind of scrutiny.
I want them to develop healthy relationships with mistakes and disagreements. I want them to witness my frustrations and see things return to normal afterward. I never want them to feel they can’t come to me out of fear that I’ll abandon them for their mistakes.
I’ve found out that all my teenagers have experimented with marijuana. My son even crashed his car while driving recklessly, with kids in the vehicle. There have been moments when I doubted whether he would pass his classes and move up to the next grade. My youngest once took a picture of his teacher during a Zoom class and sent it to all his friends on Snapchat.
They frustrate me. They let me down. They make choices I wish they wouldn’t. But if I were to give up on them, stop believing they could improve after making mistakes, and “cancel” them for being human, where would that leave them?
When a child senses their parent doesn’t think they are worth it, they start to lose their self-worth. If they know that their parents won’t stick with them through tough times, who will they turn to for support?
I want them to understand that even when I’m upset—whether it’s over something trivial like rotting steak or something serious like using drugs—they still have my love and support, and I’m not going anywhere. I can demonstrate this by enforcing appropriate consequences while reminding them of my expectations. It’s crucial that they do not feel they have to achieve perfection to maintain my approval. That only leads to hiding behaviors and a lack of self-belief.
It’s completely normal to argue and feel angry, but we can still love and support one another. I want my kids to witness that a healthy relationship can withstand challenges and still flourish with love and hope.
If you’re interested in more insights on parenting and navigating difficult conversations, check out this post on our blog.
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In summary, even during moments of frustration, my commitment to my children remains unwavering. I aim to foster an environment where they feel supported and understood, regardless of their mistakes. This helps them build resilience and healthy relationships, both with me and themselves.
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