A comforting spread of lox and fresh bagels, surrounded by the loving embrace of family—that’s how I pictured my daughter’s funeral. But reality painted a different picture: no gathering, no heartfelt embraces, no trays of food that I would have turned down. Instead, my days, weeks, and months following the loss of my baby girl, Lily, were filled with an overwhelming silence.
Grief in March 2020, amidst a pandemic, felt surreal. “Would you like to delay the funeral or hold one without an in-person gathering?” the cemetery staff asked. This question echoed in my mind, and I struggled to respond. How did I end up here?
I had felt the joy just weeks before, celebrating my baby shower, my seven-month belly elegantly displayed in a flowing white dress. I spent every moment outside of work preparing the nursery, arranging furniture, toys, and clothing—each choice reflecting my hopes for the future. But then everything changed abruptly. Just past eight months of pregnancy, my dreams culminated in an agonizing fight for survival.
After an intense forty-eight-hour labor, two emergency surgeries, and a week in the hospital, I was discharged right before the stay-at-home orders began. “Delay the funeral or proceed without a gathering?” The choice felt cruel—first, I lost my baby, and now I was losing the chance to mourn with my loved ones.
We decided to bury her in our hometown of Los Angeles, surrounded by family, but due to the pandemic and my compromised immune system, we chose to stay in San Diego and watch the ceremony through FaceTime. My brother and my husband’s sister became our proxies at the burial. We sent along a yellow baby blanket, a stuffed hedgehog, and a pair of adorable shoes, all while I thought of the letters I had written to Lily during my pregnancy. I decided to include those sealed letters in her casket.
As I moved slowly up the stairs, my postpartum body ached—a reminder of the battle I fought to survive the traumatic delivery. I lit my favorite candle, filled with memories, and poured my love into the last letter I would ever write to her. Tears streamed down my face as I penned words of love and loss.
When the FaceTime call for the virtual funeral came, I turned off the camera. It felt surreal to be mourning my daughter in the middle of a pandemic. I curled into my husband’s arms, needing his strength and comfort more than ever. The ceremony was brief, and with the press of a button, we became a family of two instead of three.
Initially, cards and messages flooded in, but as time passed, the support dwindled, leaving us in solitude. Grieving individuals often feel abandoned, particularly during a pandemic when normal support systems are disrupted.
Grief is a complex journey, and it can be even more isolating when compounded by such circumstances. People often don’t realize that grief doesn’t have a timeline. It’s crucial to acknowledge the pain of those grieving and validate their feelings rather than offer platitudes about moving on.
It’s essential to check in regularly on those who are grieving, even when they don’t respond. Small gestures, like sending flowers or meals, can remind them they are not alone. Grief is lifelong, and ongoing support is vital, especially as contact from others begins to fade.
As a society, we need to create spaces for grief, especially during these challenging times. Trained therapists can help guide individuals through their grief, but it’s important to remember that grief itself is not a disorder. We grieve because we love, and our feelings of loss are both normal and expected.
To those who are grieving, my heart goes out to you. May you find kindness, patience, and moments of light within your grief.
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Summary:
This article discusses the unique challenges of experiencing grief during a pandemic, focusing on the author’s personal story of losing their daughter, Lily. It highlights the isolation many face when traditional mourning practices are disrupted, emphasizing the importance of ongoing support for grieving individuals. The piece encourages readers to validate grief and offers practical suggestions for supporting those who have lost loved ones.
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