Like many as they age, most of my childhood memories are either blurred or completely forgotten. Yet, there are a few vivid ones that I still cherish. One such memory is from a family friend’s 40th birthday celebration, where her loved ones organized a creative “Card Your Yard” event featuring black and white cow decorations and signs reading, “Lordy, Lordy, look who’s 40!” I found it incredibly clever and a fantastic way to honor such a significant milestone. That night, I attended the intimate gathering filled with wine, party hats, games, and endless laughter. I absorbed every moment, feeling like a sponge soaking up joy.
Before I even hit puberty or entered high school, I’d already decided I couldn’t wait to turn 40. In hindsight, I had plenty of remarkable birthdays leading up to this milestone—like getting my driver’s license at 16, becoming a legal adult at 18 and heading off to college, and celebrating my 21st birthday by finally being able to enjoy a drink. By 30, I felt I was truly stepping into adulthood and finding my path, especially as I was also getting married. Each birthday celebration surpassed the last and served its purpose at that time in my life.
However, I always had my sights set on the big 4-0, with each birthday leading up to it feeling like a prelude. I genuinely think I began planning the moment I turned 36. Maybe it was a coping mechanism for growing older, but to me, 40 seemed exhilarating and monumental. I envisioned a spectacular weekend in Las Vegas at the Bellagio, complete with a penthouse suite overlooking the fountains. I pictured myself in shimmering outfits, cocktails flowing freely, reveling in the sights and sounds of the Strip, celebrating me for those three glorious days.
Moreover, my 40th birthday coincides with my 10th wedding anniversary, elevating my celebration plans. I imagined a stunning final night in a sparkling floor-length gown, with my husband in his finest suit, renewing our vows at a quirky chapel officiated by Elvis Presley, surrounded by friends who’d laugh and cheer as we pledged to love each other until the end of time.
As I reminisce now, I can feel the excitement of that dream, a memory I long for that will never be. Unfortunately, I turn 40 in just a few weeks… in 2021… amid a global pandemic. Those dreams feel like a distant hope that I carry to bed, where I escape into this fantasy world of my 40th. Like countless others around the world, my plans have been drastically altered or completely canceled over recent months.
Weddings, anniversaries, graduations, funerals, once-in-a-lifetime trips, and milestone birthdays have all been upended. This isn’t just my struggle; it’s a shared experience across the globe as we all navigate a deadly virus. I feel a pang of self-pity, but I recognize the widespread heartache and loss around me. I even feel a bit guilty for being so sad about my own situation. I wish I could simply say, “I’ll celebrate later,” but the truth is, I can’t.
It feels like I need to grieve this loss, to experience my feelings and find a way to move forward. I know there will be more birthdays and opportunities; my logical side acknowledges this. Yet, I can’t help but feel a deep sadness right now. I’ve discussed my feelings with my husband, family, friends, and even my therapist, seeking ways to ease this superficial heartache. I know there are options—Zoom parties, small outdoor gatherings, or even a local trip—but nothing can truly compare to what I had envisioned. So, I must accept my reality and move on.
My sacrifice is trivial compared to what many have endured in recent months. I plan to use this perspective to fuel my resilience, channeling my gratitude for my healthy family as I navigate whatever my 40th birthday brings. I will focus on doing my part to combat this virus and look forward to the day I’m vaccinated, sitting on a plane next to my husband and friends, wearing a sequined dress, cocktail in hand, flying to the one-and-only Las Vegas, Nevada.
This article was originally published on Jan. 28, 2021.
Summary:
Emma Thompson reflects on her aspirations for her 40th birthday, recalling a vivid memory of a friend’s celebration that inspired her own plans. Imagining a lavish Las Vegas party coinciding with her 10th wedding anniversary, she grapples with the reality of celebrating amidst a global pandemic. Despite feeling sorrow over lost plans, she recognizes the shared struggles of many and vows to embrace the future, focusing on gratitude and resilience.
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