Recently, my boyfriend suggested we go out for ice cream. I’ve learned to mentally prepare myself for these moments. He really goes all in, and he believes that smacking his lips while enjoying the treat enhances the flavor. Honestly, it drives me absolutely mad.
He can fall asleep in mere seconds, even when we’re not on the best of terms, while I’m still grappling with unresolved emotions. I once found him snoring on the couch during an argument, and out of frustration, I “accidentally” pushed a chair into the kitchen island as I tried to vent my feelings.
He talks a big game about fitness and healthy eating but doesn’t follow through with the same zeal he shows when watching a fitness ad. He has no qualms about canceling plans at the last minute without feeling the need to explain himself.
He snores and refuses to blow his nose, opting instead to snarf and swallow. While he’s quite picky about his food choices, he could happily eat chicken tenders and subs forever. If I suggest something new or a bit too fancy, it’s nearly impossible to convince him to try it.
After a disagreement, he can act like everything is fine. Countless times, he has walked through my door or called me while I was still simmering with anger, cheerfully asking, “Hey babe! How’s your day? I miss you!” The audacity!
He’s also forgetful. While he enjoys treating me to dinner and opening the car door, when it comes to household chores like shoveling or changing light bulbs, he feels perfectly comfortable lounging around while I rush about, feeling overwhelmed. To him, everything can wait.
It may sound like I’m just venting, but I’ve realized something important since starting this relationship: the very issues that once drove me crazy about my ex-husband are surfacing again. Why? Because these are my personal issues, my irritations that I haven’t resolved.
I’ve come to understand that just because I believe I must adhere strictly to my commitments, it doesn’t mean my partner has to feel the same pressure. He doesn’t. I’ve recognized that I tend to view everything as urgent, which can be stressful for those around me. My family might prefer to take a moment to breathe before tackling chores.
There’s no need for a major fallout if someone forgets something. As a single mother, I’ve often felt like I have to remember everything. Even during my marriage, I took on the burden of keeping track of everything, failing to realize that if something slipped through the cracks, we would be okay.
My previous partners never complained about my habit of making a certain noise after each sip of soda, my obsession with cleaning the counters, or my daily use of the blender. They didn’t mind my early morning workouts to Taylor Swift or ask me to change how I chew or breathe. But I’ve projected my anxieties onto them, leading to moments of frustration where I felt like banging my head against the wall.
This realization isn’t new; I’ve heard that being hard on ourselves leads us to be hard on others. After my divorce, I wanted to ensure I didn’t repeat the mistakes of the past, which required an honest examination of myself and acknowledging my need for improvement.
Ironically, it was my ex-husband who drove this point home. One day, as I dropped off the kids at his place, he approached my car with grocery bags for sushi. I couldn’t resist mentioning how he never cooked during our marriage and always resisted going to the store.
“I don’t want to make the same mistakes I made with you,” he replied. I understood he meant more than just cooking together.
We both let trivial matters get the better of us in our marriage. While we can’t go back and redo things, we can strive to avoid repeating those mistakes in our new relationships. Our partners will inevitably have quirks that irritate us, but when the same issues keep cropping up, it’s essential to reflect on ourselves and acknowledge our role in the situation.
And as for telling someone to quiet down while they chew? That’s always going to be on the table.
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Summary:
In this reflection, Laura discusses how unresolved issues from her previous marriage are affecting her new relationship. She explores her partner’s habits that trigger her frustrations and realizes that these annoyances stem from her personal issues rather than her partner’s behavior. Laura emphasizes the importance of self-awareness and growth to prevent repeating past mistakes in new relationships.
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