It was just another ordinary evening. Since expanding our family to five, we’ve established a routine where, after the kids are tucked in, we dedicate thirty minutes to tidying up the house for the next day. Once that time is up, we stop, leaving any remaining mess behind.
As we were doing a final sweep, collecting the scattered toys our two-year-old had spread across the living room, my husband Jake remarked, “I saw a friend share on Facebook about his anniversary. He said the last eight years have been the happiest of his life. Our marriage years, however, haven’t been the happiest of ours.”
You might assume this was the beginning of a deeply emotional conversation about our relationship, perhaps even a prelude to divorce. But that’s not where he was going.
Our eight years of marriage have often been challenging. The first four years were spent with him in dental school while I juggled a demanding television job with erratic hours and low pay. There was little time for the activities most newlyweds enjoy. While our friends were out at concerts and festivals, Jake was hitting the books and I was working. Those years were filled with professional obligations and sorting out the initial bumps in our marriage.
The last three years have been particularly trying: a diagnosis of Down syndrome, open-heart surgery, a miscarriage, a diagnosis of lower urinary tract obstruction, clubbed feet, a month at Ronald McDonald House, a high-risk delivery, a NICU stay far from home, a serious casting injury, and ongoing health issues for our youngest.
These years haven’t been the happiest of our lives. Yet, paradoxically, our marriage remains a joyful one.
I think we tend to conflate “hard” with “bad.”
We live in an era of instant gratification. With the latest apps and services, we can fulfill our desires faster than ever. If we order something we don’t like? No problem—returns are a breeze.
We can usually satisfy our wants effortlessly, but this doesn’t apply to matters of the heart.
In Western culture, we often presume, perhaps unconsciously, that our lives should be free of hardship. We’re led to believe that hard work will yield the outcomes we desire. While this might hold true for career aspirations in America, it doesn’t necessarily translate to life goals.
We can mistakenly equate our right to a “money-back guarantee” with our marriage vows, mistakenly believing that the ease of acquiring trivial things should apply to our deepest relationships.
So far, our married years have not been the happiest. And that’s perfectly acceptable.
We’ve discovered joy within the struggles and sadness. During our darkest moments, we’ve clung to each other more tightly, and when the storm passed, our connection was stronger than before the clouds rolled in.
Why am I sharing this? After Jake made his comment, I realized that in the past, such a statement would have devastated me. I didn’t grasp that life can be good even when it’s not the happiest. How many of us abandon relationships (not just marriages) because we feel they should be better? I worry that many of us believe that life should be “happily ever after” once we say our vows, and when reality falls short, we think there’s something wrong with our relationship—that our love should be so fulfilling it masks any difficulties. I may have bought into that notion when I was younger. Despite the challenges, and perhaps even because of them, we have a fulfilling life and a strong relationship.
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